Empower Yourself
What Every Girl Needs to Know About Guys, Their Exes and Jealousy by Tasha Cunningham
Hey ladies! Have you ever gotten jealous over your guy's ex? Well, don't! Here's why!
Q. Dear DDHG,
I'm new to this site and I'm sure this topic has been discussed a million times before but please help me out, I am suffering from the age old killer of relationships - jealousy.
And it sucks, it eats away at me inside though I know my agitated feelings have no logic behind them. I have been dating my boyfriend for about three and a half months and he tells me he loves me daily, he is just about always there for me and he is like the guy of my dreams, the one I'm pretty sure could be Mr. Right, after years of dating creep upon creep. But the thing that drives me nuts and is killing our relationship is the horrific jealousy I always feel whenever he mentions one of his exes or tells me a story about them or shows me a photograph. I hate it.
I freak out and don't want to talk to him. My policy has always been ignorance is bliss. I just don't want to know how his ex-girlfriends look or to see in a picture a necklace he gave her when they were going out. His policy is that I should know about his past so that I can get to know who he is today.
My policy is aaarrgh - I'm constantly comparing myself - I don't look like any of these other chicks, they all have bigger bra sizes, blond beach chick looks. Though they were all much older than him and did have kids which should be of some comfort.
I know I clearly suffer from low self-esteem problems and I'm from another country and without family etc... while he is Southern California born and raised and has a ton of friends and a great and loving family. No matter how hard I explain he cannot understand the insecurities that eat away at my insides like a cancer, my exaggerated thoughts and ensuing depression.
I know he is faithful to me and these women are no threat so why do I constantly compare myself to these exes and stupidly feel they were somehow better than me and how do I make him understand to quit bringing stuff up I don't want to hear and stop feeling angry for no reason before I completely destroy what could be a great relationship.
It sounds simple enough and I will think I have it under control and rationalize everything but takes little more than a picture or a comment to set me off again. Help - I know this is sick and stupid behavior - Thanks.
Well, first you should congratulate yourself! You know what's eating away at you, now you just need to learn how to move past it. A lot of women haven't gotten to the point of being able to recognize their own insecurities.
You have and for that, you should be happy. Now, on to the business at hand – how does a girl with low self-esteem move past jealousy and insecurity and help her otherwise great relationship grow?
Getting help, such as therapy for your issues with low self-esteem is a great first step. A therapist can help you work through the issues that are at the root of your insecurity. Remember, that in one way or another, both men and women are insecure creatures. Believe it or not, your boyfriend has insecurities, too!
Next, talk to your boyfriend about it - not to try to make him understand your insecurities because to him what you're feeling isn't rational. Instead, ask him to stop bringing up his exes. Make it a policy in the relationship, just like the other policies you adhere to, particularly if you don't bring up your exes to him.
Then, stop comparing yourself to these women. Of all the pictures he's shown you or stories he's told you, YOU are the one that he is with. YOU are the one he loves. If these other women were so great, he would still be with them. Guys are really simple that way.
They aren't going to stick around and be in relationship with a woman they aren't into for any reason. It's important that you understand this. Of all the women he's been with, your boyfriend has chosen you. Do you really think that just because you don't look like the chicks he dated previously, he loves you any less? Absolutely not!
Sure, he may show you a picture once in a while or tell you a story, but once you tell him how this makes you feel, he'll stop. No picture or story is more important to him than your feelings.
Are you really going to let a picture of some old ex-girlfriend really set you off and ruin a great relationship? You're much smarter than that.
Who cares if they have bigger breasts or a different hair color? Work on your self-esteem issues with a therapist, stop comparing yourself to the women in his past who are no longer relevant to him in any way and enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend. A great guy is hard to find and it sounds like you have one, so don't blow it because of a picture or story of an old girlfriend from his past! – Tasha Cunningham
Hey ladies! Have you ever gotten jealous over your guy's ex? Well, don't! Here's why!
Q. Dear DDHG,
I'm new to this site and I'm sure this topic has been discussed a million times before but please help me out, I am suffering from the age old killer of relationships - jealousy.
And it sucks, it eats away at me inside though I know my agitated feelings have no logic behind them. I have been dating my boyfriend for about three and a half months and he tells me he loves me daily, he is just about always there for me and he is like the guy of my dreams, the one I'm pretty sure could be Mr. Right, after years of dating creep upon creep. But the thing that drives me nuts and is killing our relationship is the horrific jealousy I always feel whenever he mentions one of his exes or tells me a story about them or shows me a photograph. I hate it.
I freak out and don't want to talk to him. My policy has always been ignorance is bliss. I just don't want to know how his ex-girlfriends look or to see in a picture a necklace he gave her when they were going out. His policy is that I should know about his past so that I can get to know who he is today.
My policy is aaarrgh - I'm constantly comparing myself - I don't look like any of these other chicks, they all have bigger bra sizes, blond beach chick looks. Though they were all much older than him and did have kids which should be of some comfort.
I know I clearly suffer from low self-esteem problems and I'm from another country and without family etc... while he is Southern California born and raised and has a ton of friends and a great and loving family. No matter how hard I explain he cannot understand the insecurities that eat away at my insides like a cancer, my exaggerated thoughts and ensuing depression.
I know he is faithful to me and these women are no threat so why do I constantly compare myself to these exes and stupidly feel they were somehow better than me and how do I make him understand to quit bringing stuff up I don't want to hear and stop feeling angry for no reason before I completely destroy what could be a great relationship.
It sounds simple enough and I will think I have it under control and rationalize everything but takes little more than a picture or a comment to set me off again. Help - I know this is sick and stupid behavior - Thanks.
Well, first you should congratulate yourself! You know what's eating away at you, now you just need to learn how to move past it. A lot of women haven't gotten to the point of being able to recognize their own insecurities.
You have and for that, you should be happy. Now, on to the business at hand – how does a girl with low self-esteem move past jealousy and insecurity and help her otherwise great relationship grow?
Getting help, such as therapy for your issues with low self-esteem is a great first step. A therapist can help you work through the issues that are at the root of your insecurity. Remember, that in one way or another, both men and women are insecure creatures. Believe it or not, your boyfriend has insecurities, too!
Next, talk to your boyfriend about it - not to try to make him understand your insecurities because to him what you're feeling isn't rational. Instead, ask him to stop bringing up his exes. Make it a policy in the relationship, just like the other policies you adhere to, particularly if you don't bring up your exes to him.
Then, stop comparing yourself to these women. Of all the pictures he's shown you or stories he's told you, YOU are the one that he is with. YOU are the one he loves. If these other women were so great, he would still be with them. Guys are really simple that way.
They aren't going to stick around and be in relationship with a woman they aren't into for any reason. It's important that you understand this. Of all the women he's been with, your boyfriend has chosen you. Do you really think that just because you don't look like the chicks he dated previously, he loves you any less? Absolutely not!
Sure, he may show you a picture once in a while or tell you a story, but once you tell him how this makes you feel, he'll stop. No picture or story is more important to him than your feelings.
Are you really going to let a picture of some old ex-girlfriend really set you off and ruin a great relationship? You're much smarter than that.
Who cares if they have bigger breasts or a different hair color? Work on your self-esteem issues with a therapist, stop comparing yourself to the women in his past who are no longer relevant to him in any way and enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend. A great guy is hard to find and it sounds like you have one, so don't blow it because of a picture or story of an old girlfriend from his past! – Tasha Cunningham
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