Do You Withhold Love To Avoid Getting Hurt?

[Orion23]

My best friend and I had a conversation about him and his relationships. He has been hurt in the past (it was not pretty) and says that he was taught a lesson then and he NEVER gives all of himself. He says that if he would have "given all of himself", he would have been in a world of hurt when his ex broke up with him. My contention is that if you hold back on your emotion, while you may not get hurt as badly if the relationship ends, you also do not fully experience all of the love, passion and good things either. I am not saying that you fully give yourself to everyone you date. But, I feel like if a person does not fully give themselves to a person that they feel is special, then they have cheated themselves out of a great experience. And for the record, I have experienced the painful side of this issue as well and I would not change how I did things. So my questions is, how many of you hold back and how many try to give all that you can in every way that you can?

[rosebuttons]

This is a hard one.... I do tend to hold back a little. I guess getting hurt enough times or should I say disappointed enough has made me a little closed. But you are correct you don't fully experience all of love, passion and good things. I'm trying not to take disappointments personally and learning from all my experiences.

[square813]

after my hub died i didnt want to love like that again and he was far from perfect. so i waited i guess you can say looked around but i never jumped finally after three years i meet someone well at first he started out to be prince charming/perfect guy. after about six months he drops the " L " word on me. so i open myself to him worst thing i ever did i found out that he was dating a couple of us dont know how he managed it. and now ive been dating a guy for a little over 2yrs and i am just now opening myself a bit and i hope eventually i can be completely open with him. so yes you do rob each other of the total experience but who really wants to hurt like that constantly.

this is a really good post orion.
i have to think about this somemore and get back to this

[miztakenqt]

well i do tend to hold back a lot... you do learn a lot from each dating experience and after each one it does change you and sometimes for the rest.... but honestly you cant be totally open with everyone... you do have to take out time to try to get to really know a person and you can get to know a person well enough without completely opening up to them... but you will have to let them in a little to prove that you do care about them and you are willing to make it work.... in the end i feel if you want it to be truly successful and you both have committed yourself to the other that is when you can completely try to open yourself up to the other person.... unfortunately i am not at that point in my life so i can really relate to your friend when he says he doesnt want to put himself out there... its been three years since ive officially dated someone that i truly cared about and was happy with that person... but everyone is different.... i wish him the best though.......

[monieluff]

In the beginning of a relationship more than a handful of women tend to fall in love very quickly by opening themselves up. I am not saying that that wasn't me at one point because of course it was. But is it healthy? We are usually the ones to show the emotions first. The calling, the I miss you, the whatcha doing?, and then eventually the I love you. Naturally we want to be the center of every mans attention and even better we want "the one" to pay attention to us. To get attention we show emotion thinking to ourselves, well he has to know i'm interested! Then of course when we have them we go crazy with the compliments and all that "mushy" goodness that comes with being in a relationship. It's not a question of if we can open ourselves up, it's how and when do you do it. Some people open up in a different way and some people do it faster or slower. Depends on your own preference. Just never forget though. Once you find love, i know everyone says it but it's true. you will def. know it's love Trust me

[NativeMoon]

Great post!

My biggest problem now is that having given my all to people who brought me nothing but pain, I have now put up quite a few walls. Im the stereotypical artist and writer - I gave absolutely every part of myself with undiluted passion - wrote epic poems and songs, wasted reams of paper on long love letters. I did the sorts of things that for me was just me expressing myself but for them probably scared the hell out of them. But I also did things that I do for my friends like cook for them, buy them books I knew they would like. And for some that was "way over the top"

The problem for me is its hard to know what is right or wrong anymore. Most guys I know say they want grand gestures of love and moan about what a woman wouldnt do etc - but give them that and they head for the hills.

So know I hold back. I may be shooting myself in the foot but after being raked over the coals for being so open I cant really help myself.

Im in a situation now where I like someone a lot but Im not saying a word. it just seems safer that way although a bit lonlier

[KittyxGoesxRawr]

First of I'd like to wish your friend luck, because I've been there before and know how it feels to hold back. Secondly, I really agree with monieluff on this one... really hit the nail on the head. I've held back A lot in relationships in fear of getting hurt because I have been hurt in the past after really opening up and letting my emotions be shown. The way I see it now, though, is that you can't just "partially" love someone... or "kind of" give your all to someone. If you are in A relationship and they are special to you, all you can do is love and care for them completely and make your feelings known. You have those feelings, and holding back is foolish regardless of your fears. All you want to truly do is make your feelings known, right? Well do it then! If heartbreak is the outcome from your relationship, things will eventually get better and you can move on. That's one of the risks that comes from love. "It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."

[becki1223]

I have to say that I too, hold back a little. But who can help it with such a horrible world of hurt? Yes, I do think that we miss out, but if that one person is willing to wait, it shows us that we are worth it and eventually we all open up. If the person is worth it, they will wait until we are ready. The majority of people have been broken hearted at some point in their life before they get married, but they still find ways to open up enough to marry someone great. Some of us don't marry great people, but we still open up enough to marry. Holding back is a defense mechanism. Maybe we do it off of instinct because we know that this person is not "THE ONE". Who knows? But we can't really stop it either.

[TobeyMemphis]

I really hope guys mature as they get older, because as far as guys my age (17), they all suck. If i go any younger than I am, they are very mature and have no idea how to handle a relationship, and if I go any older then I feel like the immature one...that I'm not sure how to act or anything. I hope there is a guy out there for all of us because they sure are hiding at this moment. lol.

[courtneyiscool]

the guy. The situations where I hold back are when I know the guy is going to break my heart!

[Guitarista]

Well, that makes sense.

Why ask for pain?

If it's meant to be, the guy will come to you....hopefully anyhow.

[ashersaharai]

I am dealing with this type of situation from a guy I am in love with now.
One thing I learned from love is NEVER make someone pay for the mistakes your exes made.
You may really miss out on true love by doing so.
I really believe in love and though I may be skeptical at first
I am willing to give love so many chances!!
The hardest situation is loving someone who is scared to love you back!

[courtneyiscool]

them all like jerks because of something on of your exes did to you!

[raven_lady]

I haven't in the past but I sure am now. I'm never going to be hurt again. And I'm not going to 'give it up' easily or quickly and/or unless the man 'invests' a lot in me - that way there is more of a guarantee, not a sure thing of course, but a greater likelihood he'll become emotionally bonded to me and it'll weed out the conquest seekers, and if a man or person for that matter invests a lot - time, emotions, money/gifts - in someone or something they're less likely to discard it easily or right away.
That may sound cool and calculating but my attitude has become if the man wants what he wants he I have to get what I want.

Otherwise it's a raw deal - it's not fair that these men go off all proud like a conquering hero with their conquest and boasting to their buddies about it while the woman walks away with nothing but feeling used and discarded.

[AskAverageGuy]

relationships. Believe or not ladies, women do cheat on men and leave them emotionally hurt and devastated. It happens, although it doesn't get a lot of attention. So you'll find a lot of men withholding their love to avoid getting hurt, too. But we still need sex, so that's what some men use women for and avoid the intimacy and relationship part of it.