Forgiveness And Exactly What That Means - Wake Up Ladies!

[Djonna]

For anyone that read my recent post, I was involved with a married man. I learned much from that experience. A married man that cheats, is good at one thing; and, that one thing is, he's a liar.... Count on it! It's become a way of life for him. He lies to his wife to be with you and most likely he's lying you; the woman he's having an affair with. If he's not lying to you right now; believe me, he will. It's just a matter of time. Your life will be turned upside down.

Recently, the married man that I was seeing (notice, I said was), made a mistake at home and left his email open on his computer; or so he said. His wife had gone in and read some of his "sent" email, which he'd forgotten to delete. (I will refer to this man as "S") When (S's) wife read through the emails, she questioned (S) who I was; or, so he said. Of course, he made up a story about who I was; it was only a few exchanged emails; I meant nothing to him; and, she forgave me. Time after time, (S's) wife would call him when he was with me and the lies continued (of course). The day he lied to me and I caught him lying, he attempted to make it appear that it was my insecurities; it was all in my head. I needed to simply trust this idiot. After 2 hours of arguing, he finally admitted he lied to me. I couldn't "forgive" him for that. I didn't feel the same way nor could I ever look at him the same way. He'd broken that "trust" factor that I had in him. (Funny how we think a married man will actually be truthful to us when in my case, this man couldn't even be truthful with a woman he'd been married to for 30 years).... (I think back and realize that I was a total fool.) I just couldn't forgive him; no matter how much he thought it was just a little lie; harmless and wasn't worthy of us breaking up over.

What became evident to me is that "forgiveness" to (S) meant "forgetting" something never happened; and, moving on. "Forgiveness".... (S) claimed, that his wife was more forgiving than I. My response to that was, "(D) may be more forgiving than I if "forgiving" means that you have managed to make her believe that it's all in her head and you manage to make her believe that your lies aren't actually lies at all.

While cheating is not right; it happens. I'm not proud of it nor did I feel good about it. I learned a lot about myself and what I want in life. It also gave me insight as to what I will tolerate from men in my life and setting up some guidelines "policies" that I will follow in my relationships. We, as women, have to set boundaries for ourselves and adhere to those boundaries. Once someone, a man; a friend; etc., steps foot beyond those boundaries, we need to end it there. No second chances. Why? The second chancres end up being third and fourth; fifth; sixth and how many other chances? Somehow by keep giving chances, we end up loosing our self esteem; our self-worth.... We start doubting ourselves; our feelings.

We need to listen to what our intuitions are telling us. For so many women, including myself, we tend to somehow let the man manipulate us in to thinking it is "us".... We shouldn't, however, assume a man is cheating without the proof; get the proof; no forgiveness.

A married man that lies to have an affair will always lie about everything and to everyone. It becomes a way of life for them. Forgiving a man doesn't mean letting him convince you that "it was all in your head" or what you "thought" was not what you "thought" at all. Forgiving a man for having an affair, even, sets the tone for what you'll accept, which is him cheating. You can forgive someone for being late; forgive someone for forgetting to call; forgive someone that you forgot an appointment; but, how do you really ever forgive someone when you know they've lied to you. That's actually just letting that person know that you're accepting the fact that they lied. To me? That's not forgiveness.

As women, we need to wake up! Know that we're able to stand on our own two feet and also realize that we will be a better person and think more of ourselves if we can set boundaries and adhere to those boundaries. It really makes you feel good to set boundaries cause it gives you back power.

This is an example of a recent encounter that I had. After breaking up with (S) I swore that the first time that I "knew" a man lied to me, I would end that relationship. So? I go out on a date with a man last night. We'd exchanged emails; chatted on the phone; now it's time to meet. WOO HOO! Great looking man; good personality; good job.... or, so it all seemed. First thing I told him was I do not tolerate a man that lies. We had a conversation about that; and, he continued to comment what a strong woman I was. I met this man online; he told me his name was (B). I thought that was odd because his initials are SMB. On our date, I questioned him about his name. He said it was (M). Still struck me odd knowing his initials. I got an idea and said, heck, I'll Google this man's name. I did find out that the name he goes by is actually his last name. So I Googled the man's name. His name wasn't (B) or (M), but (S).... he'd been arrested and charged with a crime. And he(?) Get this.... Was in the legal field! I got an email from him this morning and replied to him that he lied to me; he knew I didn't tolerate liars.... It's ended.... DAMN! THAT FELT GOOD TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF! A LITTLE AT A TIME! BABY STEPS! IT WAS AWESOME TO KNOW I STOOD UP TO HIM. He doesn't have the power anymore. I do!

[square813]

forgiveness should only be givin when you/they forget the milk , bread, certain special days yes we all forget from time to time. not because you cheated or lied

[antoinetta2]

GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!! Men who lie are so low. If you give them an inch, they take a mile.

Keep spreading the wisdom. I've been there too and you just want to SHAKE other women when you see them making the same mistake!!!

LIARS keep away! They just aren't worth it!
Good luck to everybody!

[victimofdecept1]

Hey.. This story will serve as confirmation to alot of women and I agree wholeheartedly. While the guy that I spent the last 3 years of my life with was not married, he gave liar a whole new meaning. You really put it nicely about liars, like the one I invested so much time and energy in. Liars dont deserve the time of day. One deserves the best that life can offer. Its wonderful to see that we truly recognize our worth. I truly believe these fools get to a place where they lie so much that they began to be exactly what they put out. The sad thing is the result of the lies and the deceit does not amount to any thing except a lot of wasted energy. Keep telling your story it is a true inspiration!!!

[Darln766]

Wow, yes this says it all. I spent the whole 12 years of my marriage and even before we got married having my 'estranged' husband lie and hiding things from me. He took advantage of my trust and generousity, I gave my whole self to him for many years. He manipulated to have me think that it was ME. I trusted fully until he gave me reasons not to and even after I found him meeting with an 'ex fwb' I trusted him fully again and forgave him for looking up his ex fwb AND other things he wanted to do. Remember that was only the first time after being married, there were more!

They do lie and are very good at it too! My ex tells his new female 'friends' (he has no male friends at all) that IM crazy and obsessive and lies to them about what he tells me, he manipulates them AND me by telling them to not read this site anymore (for those that do know about the site;) and tells them that he told me lies to throw me off...he lies naturally! Its what he knows and does, I don't believe a word he says willingly so he's not throwing me off of anything. Words from his mouth: He only tells his 'friends' what HE feels all they NEED to know, he is watching out for himself, doesn't care about what his 'friends' hope for or whether or not they fall for them, as long as he's getting his 'needs' met for the time being, once the woman gets more attached to him and want to be exclusive, he'll move on (but if they knew that, they wouldn't give him the time of day and he knows that so he manipulates and lies). Its the game, no long term commitments. He'll meet another and probably even before he's done with the one he's seeing, thats what 'dating' is (words from his mouth, dating = no commitment). He craves the attention and sex and usually starts with massages to seduce. Its an addiction.
He knows he's on this site, he knows what I wrote is true and I have proof but he pretends he's so innocent and that I am crazy. He made a couple comments the other day, realized I caught onto what he said and shut up, he has a 'friend' right where he lives. He's afraid I'd write 'exactly' what he said online here, nope not this time I now know why he doesn't want me to pick my son up from his place or be seen there, he wants to keep his new 'friend'(s) that live 'close' to him from meeting me at any cost so they don't hear the truth from me nor find out about this site (if they don't already know), doesn't want his 'friend'(s) to find out that IM not the crazy one and he's playing games with them too. He doesn't want to lose his 'attention' from who's giving it to him at the moment until he's ready to tell them 'it won't work out'. Doesn't want women to 'break off ' with him, but at the same time it wouldn't bother him as he'll already be thinking of meeting another if he hasn't already. If they read my posts..and still decide to believe and see him...then they are doing it to themselves and will realize sooner or later.

I wrote on this site for the same reason others have, I feel the need to help others not get trapped in his web. Of course a cheater and liar doesn't want to be exposed and caught, they will always manipulate to get out of being exposed and will come up with lies and excuses as to WHY they are on sites like these...well ladies its not for the hell of it. We all need to watch each others backs and try not to let these type guys ruin everything and what we all know we want. I believe my ex deserves to be exposed for who he really is and what he really does but he uses his innocent look and puts on a really good act...I believed him all the years married because I didnt want to 'believe' he wasn't telling me the truth, no one wants to believe they are being lied to, but after catching him many times I finally said thats enough...he duped me for a long time pretending he's changed and kept wanting to come back to me, only to do his online stuff again. He gets mad at me for finding him out and being the only one to finally fight back and give him what he deserves! he's not changing..he's too messed up mentally, comes across as normal and sweet at first, but there are deep embedded problems. Right now he took himself off dating sites..he'll be back..its what he does. He doesnt need dating sites to meet women, he lives in a highly single complex and can/has met women there, at work and other places...but internet was easiest. He'll get the itch to get back online again to see who's out there. Its so true how these men manipulate and I see how my estranged ex is manipulating his newest victim into believing Im crazy and he's not, he's fed her lies already. The point is..I really don't care where or who she is...just hope to save someone from being used and hurt in the long run. He plays so innocent. If she believes him after reading my posts...she's very naive and will eventually find out for herself the type person he really is. What he told me about one woman he met left me with a perception that she was not a good mother with regards to how she cares for her younger child to go meet him at his place for a first meeting. Im sure she has a different story than his.The moral here is ..he tells stories that are untrue or paints a different picture of the person to make himsefl out to be the saint, both their eyes and MY eyes still. I know what he's like but yet he still tries to play innocent to me also and that the women he meets throw themselves at him and make the first moves. He keeps lots of secrets and makes up lies to make himself be more believable. It works to those who don't know him and he uses that to his advantage...but I caught on! Eventually she will too and will wish she followed the advice out here. But to each their own. Maybe when her time comes she'll add her piece to this online community.
I certainly hope there really are normal and sincere guys out there!You hear too much of the bad ones.
I jsut want to SHAKE other women when you see them making the same mistake!!! Wake UP dammit