Going Through a Guy's Cell Phone

[MysteriousLurker]

I saw the panel discussion on whether it is considered ethical to go thorugh your man's cell phone. As a man, I would like to offer my own input on this.

Is it a violation of his privacy? Yes, it likely is. I can't deny that the privacy violation is a very real one, however, there is a flip side to this as well. If he is being 100% honest then why would he mind you going through his phone? The only one who would mind this is a guy who has something to hide. I don't password protect my phone or erase my text messages. Why? Because I have nothing to hide.

Better you violate his privacy (if you are suspicious of him) and find the truth out *now* than to wait until you turn into one of the many tragedy stories I have read here.

In my experience, instinct and intuition are very powerful tools. If you have a feeling that something is wrong, then it probably is. At the very least, you should do a bit of investigating. If you are wrong you will owe him an apology. If you are right then you spare yourself some grief.

In a totally open and honest relationship, there should be no boundaries. When you use the words "I love you" you forfeit all rights of privacy.

There is a simple chain of progression here: If you are in love, you won't lie to her. If you don't lie to her, you have nothing to hide. If you have nothing to hide, you won't even think twice about whether she goes into your phone or not.

Ladies, if he is constantly walking away from you to talk on the phone then, duh, he is hiding something from you. It may not be another woman but he is hiding *something*.

[MysteriousLurker]

I would also add that, if children are involved, (no matter if they are yours or belong to both of you) then you are *obligated* to do everything you can to investigate your suspicions. His actions may have an adverse affect on the child as well as on you. The child is a helpless party and it is your job to do everything humanly possible to ensure a happy and stable life for him/her.

[jinx18]

Unfortunately, I had to do this. I didn't want to, but I did have to go through my ex-bf's phone and every time I did I found something that was questionable.

I started after last thanksgiving when we were in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner (just the two of us) and he received a text message. He checked it and I had to ask. He read me the text message from one of his ex's asking him to come over and give her something to be thankful for. After this I checked his phone to see if he replied, cause he told me he hadn't, but he had.

No girl likes doing this. No girl wants to do this. I want a man where I don't feel like I have to check his texts, where I don't want to have to ask who he was on the phone with. So, please don't think that all girlfriends want to do this.

Soon I hope to be able to feel like I may be able to trust another man and I will keep looking for one where I don't feel like I have to check his texts. But for now, I'm still so scarred by the last one that I can't even imagine being with another man.

[Guitarista]

Jinx, life's too short for that kind of stress.

Never stay with anybody who just can't manage to tell you the truth.

It really isn't THAT hard, and if he can't manage it, it's his problem, not yours. Some men really believe their own bullshit, and that's a pity...but you don't need it.

Move on.

Don't worry about being with a man.

If it is supposed to happen, it will.

And if we all thought like this, men would have a bit more integrity, knowing that nobody is interested in putting up with their bullshit.

[MysteriousLurker]

You shouldn't put up with lies. After the first lie, get out because they will just continue.

[catscalw]

[MysteriousLurker]

My outlook might be simplistic, I admit. I am a simplistic person when it comes to relationships. I don't hide *anything*. I've found that it's just easier that way. I realize that this approach doesn't work for everyone, though. Some people aren't comfortable with full disclosure and that's fine. It's gotten me into trouble a few times as well but I still prefer it.

I am not suggesting that it's ok to go through a guy's phone at random though and I am thinking that maybe that was how you read it. I am saying that it's ok to if you have probable cause. If a child is involved, that ups the stakes even more.

If a man starts spending more time away from home than ususal or changes his behavior in some other suspicious way then I feel that the woman (or man) has a right to investigate a bit. Blind trust is what got many of the women on this site in the fix they were in.

[catscalw]

As I said before- I'm not advocating "hiding" anything....I have no secrets from my wife...(and therefore no mystery or intruige either, which some people believe are a vital part of romance)

What you said was; "When you use the words "I love you" you forfeit all rights of privacy"

This is the statement that I find problematic and naive...again, it sacrifices all possibility of building trust on the altar of truth.

[becki1223]

Have to say...this was extremely refreshing to read. While I don't necessarily agree that you forfeit rights to privacy when you say I love you, I do agree that some women feel they need to go through a guy's cell phone because they don't trust him. But then that begs the question "why are they there to begin with, if they don't trust him?" I went through my ex's phone and found some of the most vulgar messages from his ex girlfriend. Instead of leaving, I just kept snooping. I guess the more I found, the more fed up I became and eventually left, after reading his e-mail, myspace, facebook, and phone messages. It became ridiculous, and my whole life revolved around spying on him. I am now with someone who I feel no reason to spy on, however, in the beginning I did just to make sure that I wouldn't get hurt again, and I found nothing. I then apologized to him for spying and he said, "If that's what you have to do, to believe that you can trust me, so be it." That's what a man would say if he has NOTHING to hide. "Check my phone, my record, whatever you want"

[catscalw]

This will probably make me very unpopular again, but needing to go through your partners private material without thier permission is a violation of privacy and just another backwards ass way to block intimacy.

If you rationalize this , you're afraid of intimacy on some level, and your dealing with that fear by either over-controlling your intimate partners, pushing your partner away, or by running away from intimacy, through this kind of unconscious sabotage.

Yes Ladies and gentlemen, there is such a thing as healthy relationships, to be interdependent and to merge lives with another. People who are interdependent know they can take care of themselves when they need to, but they want to be with and share their lives with intimate others. They want to belong, and being on a team doesn’t threaten their identities.

If you feel that you need to go through your partners private material without their permission, then you have an issue: It's called the inability to trust.

And yes, even though it is not material to the discussion, my wife is free to go through all of my texts, e-mails, diaries...if she asks permission first

I have no secrets and I have given my heart to her.

She has come to me and told me that she was feeling insecure, not sexy, and self-conscious. We have talked it through. I reassure her...(which is ironic, because she gets ten times the attention from the opposite sex as I do.)

To be in love with a woman is to be ready to have a ongoing, reasonable, communicative discussion about what you want and need from her, what she needs and wants in return, where yourfear triggers are, and how you would like the other person to respond when you get triggered, fearful, angry or threatened.

Anything else is simply not showing up.

[becki1223]