He really degraded me during sex .....should i complain ??

[ghantol]

was really attracted to this guy and i approached him a few times and he was giving mixed signals first but then one day he just took me out and had sex with me. although i didnt want to but he sort of convinced me and i couldnt say no bcos otherwise he wouldnt want to have a relationship and i was the one who walked upto him so i let him.
but he handled me badly. he just groped me and then stripped me and made laughed at my genitalia saying they were funny and hairy and after that he just stopped and pulled his pants back and said he would drop me home.

he ignored me after that and i am feeling degraded. its like he raped me. i want to tell this to someone. i want to file a case against him. is it possible since he co-erced me and degraded me. like rape or molestation

[Orion23]

I know that this is going to come off bad but I don't see anyway in hell that you can consent to having sex and then say that you want to file rape charges because he laughed at your genitalia. If you told him no or to stop and he forced it, I'd say that you should file a complaint and get him put in jail. I am not seeing how you file a complaint on a guy for "groping" you during sex. I mean, touching is a part of having sex. If you felt like he was not being gentle enough (i.e. groping), you should have said something. I don't know your situation but you sound like the sex did not go down as you would like, the guy was an ass (this is apparent) and you want to get him for how you were treated. However, throwing around the word "rape" when you consented to having sex (albeit, bad and unfeeling sex) is a little careless. I am not blaming you for him being an ass but you seemed portray yourself as a powerless victim in this and I don't believe that's true at all.

[ab11cd33]

In a condition where you gave consent, but did not revoke it rape is near impossible to prove. If you didn't give him permission he cannot argue that you "wanted" it. Also if alcohol was involved it opens up a whole new layer of legality. If you didn't tell him No after you told him yes and were not coerced (ie he threatened you and told you he would hurt you if you tried to stop him) a rape case is hard to from. I was a member of a University Judicial system back in college and rape cases are never easy. He will likely run your name through the mud and he will bring in character witnesses that will say hurtful things.

I am sorry to have to say this, but he was likely using you. He wanted something that only you could give him and he used your feelings for him to get it. This sort of degrading behavior does not turn into a good relationship and putting the price tag of sex on a relationship almost guarantees that is all he wants.

If it is rape, don't hesitate, report it. No one has the right to do things to you if you do not give them consent. There are nice guys out there who will not do this sort of thing to you. Remember you can say no at anytime, and he has to listen; even if you agreed at first, you can stop it at anytime. Never pay for a relationship. Keep yourself safe, and don't let anyone do this to you. Walk away, tell them no. Don't listen to their cries an apologizes, they are just using your emotions to get what they want. Some men just want sex and something they can hang off their arm in public, don't stand for it.

These, as usual, are my perspectives as a male, so take them and everything else you read with a grain of salt. We can help, but the decision is yours to make. In this situation I would advise you to think hard, know where you are going, and do what you feel is right.

[ghantol]

yes i didnt say NO. but thats bcos he said he wanted to have sex but i didnt. i didnt want to say know bcos then he would be unhappy. i hada crush on him and you can imagine that when you have a crush on someone and he comes to for something would you refuse.

infact when he about to do it with me i did say "waht are you doing and im not sure about this" and he sort of convinced me saying "its okay ...its normal" i resisted him once more so he said "if you cant do this then we cannot have a relationship" so i had to.

[rosebuttons]

You need to seek some kind of counseling for this. This man used you, he knew how to play on your weaknesses. If a man respects you he would not have you do something that you didnt want to do. You really dont have a case against him because you consented to the sex hoping more would come from it. It is a hard lesson to learn in life but you must move on from it and do some work on your self esteem so it doesnt happen again. Good luck to you....

[square813]

theres gliches in your story. your about to have sex and you ask what hes doing. im not trying to be mean but it sounds like it didnt go as you planned and now you want to cry wolf. its simple if you didnt want to you say no and walk away. im not sticking up for him either so dont think that.

[courtneyiscool]

a potential sex act if the woman says no that guy should respect that and back off. Even if she had his tongue down her throat and she said stop, he should have stopped. That's my take on it.

I don't think pointing inconsistencies is going to help. It all started from the point where she said no, in my opinion.

[j pierre]

youre totally responsible for what happened.

women need to take responsibility of the sex they do and ghantol, if you didnt like it, it doesnt become rape.

although technically its not rape but i still think you have a chance at putting him in some trouble....thanx to the misandrist and biased rape/harassment laws.

for instnace you are telling that you did say "but im not sure about this" and thus communicated your unwillingness.

then he tells you "if you cant do it then we cant have a relationship like that" the law will (probably) interpret this as a THREAT. ie he threatened to not be you boyfriend if you didnt have sex. (i know this sounds funny)

thankfully the law knows there are girls like you who are dumb and cannot make decisions properly.

so i think you have a chance at filing for rape. ofcourse you and i and everyone else here knows its not rape in the technical sense and suing him would be morally wrong but if thats what you want....go for it. a lot of others are doing it already.

[catscalw]

Lose this guy.

He seems like the kind of guy that this kind of site is all about, and makes it harder for the rest of us to have trust with the women in our lives. He is disrespectful and manipulative, and you deserve far better. 'Nuff said about him...

I don't know if I would claim that you are "totally reponsible for what happened." I don't have enough info, no one here is qualified to make that kind of a call. As to the formal accusation and filing of rape charges, I would get some advice from friends and family before preceding. You might contact WOAR ( Women Organizied Against Rape: www.woar.org/contact_information.asp ) or another support group to get thier input.

[rosebuttons]

J Pierre, I feel the need to respond to this reply- I don’t think ghantol said she didn’t like the sex. She said she felt pressured into it. While I agree with you in that it wasn’t rape because she consented to the sex. If she said NO straight out it would have been a different story and I also agree that she is responsible for her part. But to take away any responsibility on his part is unfair. He found a weakness in her and knew what card to play to get her to have sex with him. That is just mean and hurtful. If a guy said if you want a relationship you have to have sex with me I would have said goodbye ***hole. There is a fine line here that was crossed. I do agree that women need to use there brains so they wont let a guy take advantage of her. Some women have very low self esteem and that’s very sad to see a guy has to take advantage of that to get sex. I'm not saying all men are like this either but they are out there.

[square813]

she didnt say no or anything for that matter. she let it happen. the thing is she had a bad time with an ass he couldve at least got her off and he didnt and i think thats what shes complaining about. but like i said before im not sticking up for him and there is holes in her story. hey g im sorry you had a bad experience but we all have. so dont feel that im picking on you because im not. if you want a relationship you cant use sex to get it and dont only look at whats on the outside because pretty covers make ugly stories.

[kitty8199]

Sweetheart, never have sex with a guy because he says, he won't have a relationship if you don't. If he says that he has no intention of havng one with you either way. If you don't want it, say "no". Who cares if he wants it. You need to honor your feelings first and foremost. Even though you didn't want it with this guy, if you never told him, 'no' you can't call rape because he didn't know you didn't want to. How old are you by the way?

[putafingeronit]

Ok, I know this is an old post, but it's still relevant, and I'm new, so here goes.....

The fact that there was some manipulation going on, and the backing out at the last minute, AND the verbal abuse regarding her private area? My initial, gut reaction is that he had it in his head all along to humiliate her. I don't think he ever planned to have sex with her.

[graverobber]

This guy is an individual who is seriously flawed on the most fundamental levels. He is pathetic and I can guarantee he has a multitude of crippling issues. You really shouldn't be dragged down by that crap, just forget about it and take solace in the fact that he leads a tormented existence, his life is a living hell

[foreigngirl]

You sound pretty young, and that might make a difference.

I am not sure of the exact age, because it depends on the country/state you live in, but your age, and his age might make a difference. For example, if you are under 18 (you or both of you), and the guy is 5 years older than you, he can get in trouble for having had sex with you, even if you don't clearly say no.

You should see a counselor and/or a lawyer about the situation. But know these statistics (about adults):

- 1 out of 4 women will be sexually assaulted in her life
- only about 20% of these tell the authorities; only about 15% of these win their cause; the average punishment for the man in these cases is 3 years in jail.

In other words, unless you are really lucky, or unless the guy already has a record or has been charged with rapes in the past, you will not win much. You will lose time, and make him lose time and maybe a little money, but that's all.

And hey...you don`t want a man who tells you ``have sex with me or I`m not your boyfriend``as a boyfriend. Think about it. You are worth much more than that.