Husband was signed up to 'adult' dating sites and more...

[llamacroft]

What now ! I am still furious. We had married in Sep. '06 and we have known each other 5 years. he had always been mr nice guy, kind to my kids I had from a previous marriage (ended due to violence) I thought I had really sussed this one out and that he was different. Made him wait ages before he came to move into our house.
We had been trying for a baby and in October of last year I miscarried. Last Saturday I discovered I am pregnant again, and on Monday I found out that he was signed up to swingers sites, naked photos of him online, and he had been on loads of really graphic porn sites. This made me physically ill so he has moved out for the time being, maybe longer.
I feal cheated he has lied to me so much. I promised myself that I would never take any crap from a man ever again and perfect was the only acceptable scenario from now on. I though I had the right man. He presented himself as a good man, now I have found out his true nature what do I do? I can feel no love or trust for him at this time, and wonder if I ever will.

[Foundthebestman]

Be true to yourself FIRST and foremost. If you are not happy with his behavior, if you feel you cannot trust him and if you are not happy then you need to do what's best for you and your baby. There's nothing worse than being in a relationship and wanting it to be normal and happy, and then you feel otherwise, you're only fooling yourself. This is not a healthy and happy relationship, if that's what you want you won't find it here. You're better off alone than with someone that disrespects you like he is. Wish you the best.

[FluffBall]

He sounds like the type of man that can split his love for you and the family, from his desires to pursue non-commital relationships with other women. I interviewed many years ago, many men who saw prositutes outside of marriage. And every single man said the same thing - it was weird - that he did not see his need for extra sex with hookers as a threat to his marriage, as he "loved" his wife, and not the hooker. It was as though this type of man was able to split his emotions in two.
Personally i think that his type of man is out there, but unfortunately they are, and it is possible that yo may have married one.
Now its up to you to make the tough decision as to whether you wish to stay with him - and do not use the kids as an excuse to stay with him. Friendships with ex's can be retained for the sake of the children, so leave him if you feel you should. The alternative is that you keep your marriage going, and accept that he will continue to be unfaithful to you - however his flings will never effect your marriage.
Its very hard for any woman to turn a blind eye to their husband's infidelities, but maybe that will be your only choice. Ironically, some of the most devoted family men i interviewed, were the worst casanova's!
Its up to you. You have a tough decision to make.
The final option you have, with personally i do not agree with, is that when you feel the time if right, that you pursue flings outside of marriage too. And that you both live an "open marriage".
If you can, be brave, and leave him. In the end you will meet a proper man who will love you and be faithful to you.

[Jess_388]

This has nothing to do with the "kind" of man he is -- it has to do with nothing other than that he is a man.

Seems you do not understand men. By getting married and pregnant, you are fulfilling your deepest and most urgent biological desire. Marriage is a means for you to fulfill your most urgent desire.

On the other hand, your husband's deepest and most urgent biological desire is to have sex with numerous and a variety of women of child bearing age. In other words, to be a good husband, he must repress his deepest desires. And while marriage is an avenue for you to fulfill your deepest biological desires, it is emphatically not that way for him. Whether conscious of it or not, marriage for him represents a dead end for his deepest desires.

Now can you imagine the intense psychological conflict the creates? Do you understand that ALL married men are thus conflicted?

Once you understand this, you can begin to understand your husbands behavior, and only then will you be able to "fix" the problem. But you must first understand him, and do not write off his behavior as "pigish"
bla bla bla. He is not a pig; he is a man. He only has sexual urges that are different from yours. You cannot hope to purge his sexual urges, as he will always have them. You can only work around them and quell them via TLC.

[rosebuttons]

Jess: spoken from a true man. There is no excuse for her husband to be visiting these sites while he is married. YOU marry for love not for some biological reason. If you are visiting these sites you are not respecting the one that your with period. You do not speak for all men.

[Jess_388]

No one made excuses. Of course it's wrong for him to visit dating cites. But that is not the issue. I'm trying to help her out. And she will not make any progress until she understands why her husband is behaving that way. There is a difference between excusing the behavior and understanding the behavior. She would not have posted here unless she did not understand his behavior, no?

And, yes, we marry for biological reasons, we fall in love for biological reasons, and we have reproductive and sexual urges because of our biology. Do you really believe that anyone would marry if men and women alike did not have reproductive and sexual urges? An answer of yes would really be on the extreme side of absurd.

Sorry if the truth jars your ears.

[llamacroft]

Thankyou rosebuttons.

Jess you sound quite cynical maybe you think i am naive to hope anyone male or female can be trusted 100%. I posted in the heat of my anger and now things have calmed down a BIT. Yes i am not dim and 'she ' DOES understand but that does not mean i condone it.
understanding doesn't make it any easier and thins case it was about dealing with issues in a mans way i suppose, i lost a baby last october and he was deeply disturbed by that as was I but he did the mans thing and 'hid in his cave' with dating sites for company. Oh yes i understand but its never going to look right to me from any angle.

[Jess_388]

I'm not cynical; I'm realistic. And yes, I respectfully believe you are bit naive if you believe you can trust anyone 100%. Let me clarify: there are people you can trust not to cheat on you. Whether your husband is one, I have no idea. But everyone -- men and women -- even you!! -- will have urges to cheat because we are biologically programmed to have urges to cheat.

It's what you do with this knowledge that is important. You can either take the attitude that, hey we're programed to cheat, might as well cheat. Or you can use the knowledge to understand that having these urges does not necessarily mean something is wrong with the marriage, but that it is only a natural urge that should be resisted.

[rosebuttons]

well Jess if that belief is what you use to justify your behavior fine. but I have spoken to a few married men that I know and they said that signing up for a single site while married is out of the question. they can look at porn or a mag. but if they are looking to cheat then they are not satisfied at home or unhappy with the marriage. I was married for 17 years and even when things were bad I did not have a biological need to cheat and my Ex never cheated as well. your advise is not correct for all men and women. this is not helping her.

[Jess_388]

I get the feeling you're not reading what I write. No where did I say that my understanding of biology justifies immoral behavior. I've already stated that it's wrong for a married person to post on a singles site unless the other spouse consents to it.

What you or your Ex have felt or done, with all due respect, is anecdotal evidence. That we are programed to cheat and that we all have desires to cheat, even though there are exceptions to the rule, is pretty much accepted by professional biologists and psychologists.

[courtneyiscool]

Mr. Right? No! There are guys that don't cheat. I don't think all men are programmed to cheat.

[Jess_388]

Everyone is programed to cheat -- it is in our biology. It's our wacko culture which tells us otherwise.

Statistically, we are as likely to cheat as men.

[jentle]

You're better off alone than with someone that disrespects you like he is.Personally i think that his type of man is out there, but unfortunately they are, and it is possible that yo may have married one. In other words, to be a good husband, he must repress his deepest desires. we will smiil with the man ,and belive you could find a better man in the future, i always meet friends on the gating site ,now ,tell you ,the interracialloving .com is a good site i found,there,just many races people ,black ,white ,and orange ... hot discussion here.thousands of white women and black men have met on this site and created success stories of their own, not to mention the thousands of black women and white men dating and finding love on this website too. it is a great club for black and white people onine. it is a great club for black and white people onine. Good luck smilles with your life!!

[Sarahz]

There are naked pictures of him online? Jesus.

I didn't get whether he was actually cheating, or if he just browsed these sites for fun. Even if he only browses, it would worry me. Install a keylogger on your computer (google it, there are lots of great ones free) and see if he's actually meeting these people.

It's an awful situation you're in. I think you'd probably be better off without him.

[jenp42]

I married a guy just like that july 2006, I found out he had several yahoo ID's and posted nudes and was sent nudes all the time, he also thought it was okay while out of town to entertain women.. the bars and buying drinks all night...yeah he told me he loved me but what he did was disrespectful and knowing my feelings on this he just hid it more deleting the history going into the computer to delete everything but he forgot to empty the recycle bin and toss the reciepts...once that doubt is there you will almost always wonder what he's doing everytime he gets on the computer...get rid of the computer....in my case next week my divorce is final there is no way I could ever trust this man again