I can't stop snooping....

[gotoatl]

I am 45 in a relationship for 2 years with Anthony from NJ who mentally abused me! He mind fucked me every chance he got. I should have known he was worthless at the age of 48 he has never been married and still lives at home!
His abuse caused me to start snooping and the things I found out killed me. I wanted to stop and just get rid of him but ""I was in Love"" HAH!
I am obsessed with finding out all the wrong he has done and lies that he has told me.
I finally left him last week (only the 25th time in 2 years)
Even thought everytime I snooped I found things out i.g he has a trip to Jamaica booked...he calls up hookers...he is on all sorts of ADULT porn dating sites..I can go on and on.
It's like I don't want him but still snoop...what is wrong with me?
I am an attractive woman great personality..great friends...yet this scum has made me feel worthless.
The last straw was when I found out he was talking with an ex of his so I called the number..I am a widow and my husband died tragically...this bitch knew all the details! He had to tell her and he did not allow me to be angry at that. I know I was invading his privacy but once again, he made me out to be a pyscho!
It would have been better if he punched me in the face then put me down for the past 2 years.
I'll take any advice. Thanks

[RipOfftheMask]

Do yourself a favor and stop snooping. You already know enough to make this 25th time the last time you leave him.

[Foundthebestman]

'he did not allow me' ???????? Never, ever, ever again ALLOW a man to to treat you like this. For a number of reasons you were a perfect target for this poor excuse for a human being, let alone 'man'. Forget about why this happened for now, it did, now stop the madness. More snooping will only tell what you already know. You're in love with an image of some great guy, not him. Realize that and NEVER communicate one word with this loser. THe image of him you are in love with does NOT exist so guess what, you never had that perfect man so you're not losing anything. What you're losing is the IDEA the HOPE of him being the perfect man for you. He NEVER will be. Once you stop all contact with him, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. The next man you meet, pay atth to the red flags, they are ALWAYS there for a reason. Also, if ANY man EVER treats you as less than equal there is a problem. You do NOT need a man's permission to express your feelings or anything else. A good man will treat you with respect.

[nadeanbhav]

Maybe by snooping, you are still trying to convince yourself to leave him alone forever. Having said that, give up the snooping now! It is only feeding your obsession with this man. Why are you obsessed with him? Possibly because deep down you feel like you have a two year emotional investment in this relationship and feel that you don't want that time to have been wasted. Well guess what? It may have been wasted time but it was also a major learning experience. You have learned that you may be intelligent but that you are also easy to manipulate and abuse. Ask yourself why and consider how you can not put yourself in the same situation again. Focus on what you want in your life, not what you have lost, because you know in your heart that you haven't lost anything valuable when you cut this man loose!

[dwr3232323333333]

I am sorry you are going through this. However men as well go through this all the time with women.

[avigal]

appreciate the words of wisdom--I too am smart, educated, warm....

but I fell for a guy who at the start was a sweetheart--talked of his midwest values, and his great relationship with his mom--only later learned of his 3 ex wives, one kid per wife and no relationship w family,no friends to speak of--he brutalized me emotionally, but I kept taking him back because the "man I fell in love with" would reappear and be loving and apologetic. it took me a long time to even see the pattern, I was in an emotional fog---anyway it was helpful to read other posts--esp. asking self "where did the man I loved go" and waiting...also feeling you put in energy and time and don't know if its wise to cut bait--it is wise. they don't change--they don't get better. they wear you down and humiliate you in front of everyone---when you finally find the strength to break up he lies and says "I could never forgive things you've done" Ha! the trick is talking with trusting friends who see the b.s. better than you and remind you of it. he took me and family and friends to dinner for my 50th birthday--and acted like a seething nut thru dinner because I was not facing him enough, then when we went dancing later in evening with him promising to let me have special birthday he raged at me for dancing with my girlfriends, and threw a drink in my hand saying "SEE YA" and left--only to text and call me to TALK--I refused and saw how outrageous he was, esp bc my friends saw it first hand and could support my reality that nothing even happened but he raged anyway. bye bye Dob and good luck to the new one you will trick briefly

[avigal]

appreciate the words of wisdom--I too am smart, educated, warm....

but I fell for a guy who at the start was a sweetheart--talked of his midwest values, and his great relationship with his mom--only later learned of his 3 ex wives, one kid per wife and no relationship w family,no friends to speak of--he brutalized me emotionally, but I kept taking him back because the "man I fell in love with" would reappear and be loving and apologetic. it took me a long time to even see the pattern, I was in an emotional fog---anyway it was helpful to read other posts--esp. asking self "where did the man I loved go" and waiting...also feeling you put in energy and time and don't know if its wise to cut bait--it is wise. they don't change--they don't get better. they wear you down and humiliate you in front of everyone---when you finally find the strength to break up he lies and says "I could never forgive things you've done" Ha! the trick is talking with trusting friends who see the b.s. better than you and remind you of it. he took me and family and friends to dinner for my 50th birthday--and acted like a seething nut thru dinner because I was not facing him enough, then when we went dancing later in evening with him promising to let me have special birthday he raged at me for dancing with my girlfriends, and threw a drink in my hand saying "SEE YA" and left--only to text and call me to TALK--I refused and saw how outrageous he was, esp bc my friends saw it first hand and could support my reality that nothing even happened but he raged anyway. bye bye Dob and good luck to the new one you will trick briefly

[LAPeep]

Don't miss the man you fell in love with because he never existed. It was all an act to convince you to give him what he deemed you had and he wanted. Most of the time it is sex and money. There are many men just like this and they target a certain type of vulnerable woman. Many of these parasites are in church where it is taught that people can turn around and women think that they will be the ones to help them. Teachers, nurses are especially at risk because they believe in hope for people and are compassionate and giving. Good book to read is the Sociopath next Door. Also good advice about why men target certain women to abuse at a website called lovefraud with www in front and com at the end.

[avigal]

thanks peep--

he wasn't looking for $--sex partly but I think the guy liked having a commitment free lifestyle--where he had a place to call family--have holidays and someone to be with...but always put roadblocks to living up to his promises to marry--although he gave me an engagement ring twice it was done in such a way where he knew I would turn him down, ie. after fight, etc. anyway I had good talk w close friend who knew him and she like you reminded me he can't have relationships--and I lost a man who only made me unhappy. life does go on. I just feel foolish but I will learn from this...thanks again

[LAPeep]

You'll be stronger and much wiser having gone through this. Men like this are incredibly selfish - they are only capable of taking from others what they want to make their lives better. They will blame others, if confronted, and may try to appear to be the victim.. Hard times don't cause people to do anything; they simply expose the true character of the person when things get tough. The pain will fade but give yourself time and find a new hobby or interest - not a man - to give yourself time to recover.

[divatam]

I am sorry that you had to go through this pain. Please take time to heal yourself, focus on you and you only this man emotionally abused you. I know it is easier said than done. Take it one day at a time take the time to connect with your spirtuality and your inner self. And don't have any contact with this guy.

[justbreath47]

Hi, I'm new to this website, but this particular forum caught my eye, because I am in the same kind of relationship right now. I can't seem to break the hold he has on me and the more rotten things he does, the more I tell myself to get out and how much better off I'd be and I hate him, so on, but I stay.

I don't know if anyone else here has ever experienced this: I met this guy in church. He came to church with the pastor and left with the pastor. I thought, ok there is something fishy here. Why is he always coming and going with the pastor and has to leave by a certain time.

I had just moved in with my mom to take care of her because she Altzheimer's and needed to be cared for. I had just moved back to SLC, UT from Groveton, NH and had no where else to go, so my family thought this would be perfect and of course convenient for them. Anyway, that's a different story. I just needed to set up the beginning of this nightmare I am allowing myself to stay in.

I lived close to the church, so I would go for the service only and as soon as it was over, I would walk home. I never went to Sunday School before church or fellow ship after church, so this guy did not have a chance to get too close to me right away.

My mom was living in a low income Senior housing complex and since I was not a senior citizen, I was not allowed to be there, so they moved us into a 2 bedroom family unit. Unfortunately, the new apartment was no where near the church, so I started riding with one of the ladies. This lady attended the Sunday School Class, so I started attending and sometimes she would stay for fellowship, so I had to.

Anyway, after the service was over, we'd go into the fellow ship hall and if Grace was staying for fellowship, I would sit down with her. Since I had never stayed before, I didn't know anyone and I am a shy person, so it was kind of hard at first. But eventually, I warmed up to most everyone and they became my church family.

Unknown to me, while this was happening, this guy was watching me and saw how vulnerable and insecure I was. Eventually, he came to the table where I would be sitting and ask to sit down. Not wanting to be rude, because I was raised in the old mid western style, I told him he could. After that, he sat with me all the time and we talked about all kinds of things. The subject that didn't come up for quite some time, was why he always came to church with the pastor.

I came from an abusive home, had been in all kinds of therapy and knew the red flags. But I ignored them when they started popping up. I knew there was something wrong with this guy, but didn't know what it was. Since I had been sexually abused as a child, I was aware of the sex offenders registry in Utah. So, I decided to look at it to see if he was on it, as I had my suspicions. Since I was a victim of sexual abuse, I was vulnerable to a sex offender. I looked up his name and at first I didn't find him. So I took a big sigh of relief. It didn't last long. He told me, he was in a half way house and that he had done something bad, but wouldn't tell me what it was. I got to thinking about it, and I knew murderers and rapists and bank robbers, etc., usually are let out of prison at the end of their sentence and not sent to half way houses. He said he had not done anything like that. Well, I checked the registry again, this time doing a search by zipe code, and their he was, just as big as life. His crime was sexual exploitation of a minor girl. My instincts told me to run like hell the other way. Shortly after that, he stopped coming to church and I was relieved. That was also short lived. I was pretty close to the co-pastor as she came and got me quite often and took me to church functions and lunch and so forth. I was with her one day and asked her what she knew about Dan. Apparently, while they are in the half-way house, when ever a knew offender came, they had to give their disclosure. Well he left some things out and was "grounded" because of it. I really didn't know what to think. He was gone for quite awhile and I started to lose interest, or so I thought.

When he came back, I was angry and happy at the same time. This man was a very attractive, charismatic man. He knew all the right things to say and when to say them. He's my age. I'll be 51, he will be 52 soon. I was hooked and didn't even know it.

Anyway, everyone at church became accustomed to seeing us together and time went on.

Adouham, (pronounced Adam), needed sponsors to help him take leaves from the half-way house as a means to reintroduce him into the public. He had been in prison for three years before this. Eventually he asked me to be a sponsor and I told him I would. I was only a sponsor for a few months when he was released. He hadn't found his own apartment, so he stayed with the pastor and co-pastor of the church. On his release date, I didn't hear anything from him. I saw him the following Sunday in church and he tried to ignore me. I confronted him and he gave me all kinds of excuses as to why he didn't call me. Yet another red flag and again ignored.

Anyway, I sort of pushed myself on him and he was not receptive, but the more he pushed away, the more I was determined. Well I guess he decided since I was so gullible, that he would take advantage of it and started seeing me. I didn't see that he was just using me because we had become intimate already. I went with him apartment hunting, I helped him clean and move in when he found one. I gave him furnishings.

Just recently, I found out that before he had been sent to prison for taking nude pictures of this minor girl, he was heavily into porn, both on the internet and his own. He never had normal relations with a woman, because he has a great disrespect for women. (That's another story, if anyone's interested, I'll go into later.) Since he didn't want a relationship with a woman, he produced his own porn and looked at porn on the internet as a way to avoid any relationships, but still be able to satisfy his sexual needs.

After he was released from the half-way house, he bought a computer. He didn't have internet access, so he would call me at work and ask if he could go to my apartment and use my internet. Of course, I told him yes, because I had thought I would see him when I got off work. But he always left before I got home. I'd call him and he always told me, he was falling asleep and needed to get home. He also asked to do his laundry on a few occasions, so at the same time, he could get on the internet.

I found out later, he was getting on the internet, because he had joined a website for sex dating purposes and to download porn. I know, I know, why did I stick with him? Because I was gullible and lonely.

Anyway, here it is about three years later, and I'm still with him. In the past year or so, he has mentally and psychologically abused me so bad that I can't seem to break away. He has so much control over me and threatens me all the time that he will break up with me and find another woman if I don't do what he wants, which basically is to ignore his indescretions and his internet activities. I know he has been with other women, because I have had several bouts of urinary tract infections and yeast infections. Thank God, it hasn't been any worse. We don't have sex anymore, because as I said, he prefers to satisfy himself and just uses women for the stimulation. Not me though, because I have gained some weight and he is no longer "attracted" to me. And I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else or getting a different "girlfriend". I don't know why. I know he will do the same thing to another woman that he has done to me. Maybe, in some way, I think I'm saving someone else from the same fate. I've always allowed other people to abuse me and take advantage of me, but I've always taken care of others' needs above mine.

Anyway, we're still together but I am miserable and I really "NEED" to get out of this, but I'm having such a problem. I know its not love, I know he does not love me and I know the wonderful man I've dreamt of, never existed. He has and still belittles me and tells me how worthless I am and yells at me until I cowar like an abused puppy. I am so miserable, but just can't break away.

"Anyone" who can help me, "Pleeaassee" help me!?

[mylifenow]

boy do i hear you! my ex sociopathic father of child left his old dead cell phone at my house for a day. i plugged into my charger and i found out all the things i suspected were true (i hate being right all the time!) and that he was also changing the name of one girl because he knew i absolutely wouldn't let my daughter meet her. the hardest is that he's seeing hookers-AT THE SAME HOUSE MY CHILD VISITS! aaaagh! so so so so gross!!!

i'm not asure i regret snooping, though. i needed to know to really truly KNOW that i'm not the crazy one...

snooping brings validation...that they'll never give you willingly.

[darksupanova]

I'm sorry why are you shitting on this guy when you dont even have the gull to leave him for good? You are a grown woman stop snooping and move on with your life sheesh...Your beautiful so act like your fucking beautiful and spend your time doing your favorite hobby as a pose to consuming your life with what the fuck he's been doing...damn it.

[gogetmgidget]

Google: Sociopath....

If that description fits the man you're with......it should be reason enough to finally cut the cord.

Most importantly, see a therapist. You need to learn why you are a victim...you will NEVER leave him until you get a better sense of who you are and why.