Left with no warning

[DarnedEisley]

Hey average guy.

I recently was broken up with after being in a relationship for 6 months with what I thought was someone I had a future with. When I initially started dating him he failed to mention to me that he was going to file for bankruptcy and he also had a cocaine habit. I picked up on the excessive drinking myself...When this all came to light I made the choice to stick it out for a while and see how it went. Feelings and emotions were invested at this point. For the most part things were going great. At the half way mark, about 3 months in, 1 1/2 months after I found out about the serious issues I sat down and had a talk with him about how much I care about him as well as my concerns about his lifestyle. I voiced that I did not agree with the casual drug use and the excessive drinking. His money management as well. I wasn't asking him to change for me, mearly just voicing concern for someone I cared about deeply.
He expressed that he wasn't happy with his lifestyle and really wanted to make a change for the better, not because of me, but for himself.

I was all for it! I was supportive, I didn't nag or pry. I trusted him fully to be honest with me...he was to my knowledge. Life was great he really made an effort to stop the drugs, tame the drinking...the money thing...well in time right. He had initiated future plans with me, gave me no reason to worry, no red flags (I have a really good intuition and pick up on signals...i'm a realistic gal). Anyway...cut to the first week of September. I hadn't heard from him via text or phone. I was starting to get a little concerned. Long story short he came over that night and ended things with me with no warning. He looked awful. He showed no emotion, no remorse, no explanation...just he wanted to be on his own and he needed to sort his shit out. Is it possible he relapsed and is pushing me out of his life because of the guilt? This one really cut deep and I can't seem to just move on. Thoughts?

[AskAverageGuy]

I've posted my thoughts on our homepage - http://dontdatehimgirl.com/news_view/ask-average-guy-i039m-in-love-with-an-addict-656.html

[doesnthave2hapn]

Just been through this myself, and if I could take it back, I would. I wish that when I asked for advice, people would have said RUN. It IS possible for addicts to change; however, you should not even attempt to be in a relationship with one until they are long-reformed. Otherwise, you are putting yourself on a horrible rollercoaster of abuse, hurt feelings, etc. They say they want to change, but all it is is promises, promises, and then lies, and then apologies, and then more promises. Be thankful your guy has ended it! Just stay away! Seriously. I know it's hard. But like the Average Guy said, do you really want to be with a man who has these issues, and you will always be wondering when he's going to fall off the wagon... it's just a matter of time, I tell ya. And it will probably be sooner, rather than later. There are so many other quality guys out there, please please please do yourself a favor and don't try to figure him out, give him advice, 'help' him, etc. No one can help him but him. It's a HORRIBLE cycle of abuse. Just please stay away.

[DarnedEisley]

Oh I fully agree and understand. If I would have known before feelings had gotten invested in the relationship that he was going to have to file for personal bankruptcy, had a history of abusing drugs and used alcohol as a crutch when he wasn't using the drugs...I would have taken off.

I haven't had any contact or communication with him since things ended. The days are getting easier. Of course the logical part of me knows I dodged a bullet but of course those damn emotions come up once in a while and I mourn the good parts of the relationship. There was a lot of good.

In the end I think i'll become stronger and at least I can take solice in the fact that I did nothing wrong in the relationship. I know now that it's never ever in your best interest to keep feelings and thoughts and opinions to yourself when you're in a doomed relationship.

Thanks for the advice.