Make Your Own Relationship Policies and Set Boundaries

[Djonna]

Have you been in a relationship that started out fantastic and over time it's ended up just like every other relationship? I, like thousands of other women, keep finding myself in failed relationships. Know why? We're doing the same thing over and over again. We meet a man; he's wonderful; exciting; maybe this relationship even lasted a little longer than previous relationships.... Why does each relationship last a little longer? Why does that happen? I think it's because we start out strong; knowing what we want; maybe learning a little more along the way about how men tick.... So we are able to manage our emotions a little longer; keep the man around a little longer.... Then BOOM! It starts to happen. Our low self-esteem and insecurities start making us feel overwhelmed.... We start to think, "Here we go again!".... "What Am I Doing?" or "How Did This Happen?" AGAIN.... AGAIN, AND AGAIN....

I'm 49 years old. It's taken me 49 years to actually pin point at couple areas of dating that I've failed in, which have prevented me from having meaningful and trustworthy relationships. Actually, I've empowered the man to set me and us, up for failure in those relationships time and time again. I had control yet lost it somewhere along the way by ignoring my own needs and putting the man in my life first. Let me explain what I mean. (By the way, I love to write.... I find it's a way for me to vent and express my inner feelings). When we first meet a man, we most often times feel a little gun-shy about going out. After the man chases for a while, we finally give in. So, initially, we are in control; we're doing our normal everyday things that we need to do; we're not putting him first. Then, we start putting him ahead of our own lives.... He says he's going to call.... He doesn't; we sit around waiting.... get frustrated.... eventually we blow up at him.... this happens a few times.... he starts to distance himself from us.... we can feel it.... We then, start our cycle of trying to "get" him to pay attention to us which actually works in reverse.... The time he spends with us actually starts to be less and less.... the phone calls aren't as often; he looses interest.... then, we begin to feel powerless and in some way have given him the control.... We sit home waiting for that phone call; waiting for that email that never comes; we wait; we stop going to the gym; thinking we might miss his call.... He starts controlling our lives without actually really doing a thing....

What, we as women, need to do and what I've learn is to NOT ignore our own self, for him. It may not be spelled out in writing anywhere, but the man sees that we are focusing only on him. Men don't like that. A man wants a woman that loves him, but that can also stand on her own two feet and make decisions; care for herself, without him.

We have policies at work; policies on purchases made; policies and laws that govern most areas of our lives.... Why not make our own relationship policies and set those as boundaries for us. "The Laws of Our Very Own Life".... Two areas that have actually kept me from having meaningful relationships is dating a married man and men that lie or allowing a man to continually lie to me; I know it; he knows I know it, but? I keep saying, "It's ok?".... Sound familiar? So my new relationship policies are: I am not dating married men and if a man lies to me.... He's gone! In affect what this actually does is it gives me the power to control what I want. How does it feel when someone lies to you? Not good, right? So, we need to change the way we deal with men.... Set Boundaries.... What a difference that can make and it is amazing how good it feels when YOU make the decisions on what you will accept.... It's when you keep accepting the negative or hurtful behaviors from the man that sends him mixed signals.... sooner or later, he will see you as weak and not being in charge of your own life. A man doesn't want to be with a woman that has lost her identity.

(I took this part of my post from a recent article I wrote) Finding what I want in a man yet also maintaining respect for my own self, started with me setting boundaries and living by them.... Just a red light means STOP! once a man lies to me.... he's crossed that boundary. He's gone!

As women, we need to wake up! Know that we're able to stand on our own two feet and also realize that we will be a better person and think more of ourselves if we can set boundaries and adhere to those boundaries. It really makes you feel good to set boundaries cause it gives you back power.

This is an example of a recent encounter that I had. After breaking up with (S) I swore that the first time that I "knew" a man lied to me, I would end that relationship. So? I go out on a date with a man last night. We'd exchanged emails; chatted on the phone; now it's time to meet. WOO HOO! Great looking man; good personality; good job.... or, so it all seemed. First thing I told him was I do not tolerate a man that lies. I also set limits and boundaries on our date.... He would not be coming to my apartment after the date. I would not sleep with him on the first or even the second date. I wouldn't kiss him.... (that one.... ummmm.... I failed).... We had a conversation a man that lies.... and, he continued to comment what a strong woman I was. He lied it! I met this man online; he told me his name was (B). I thought that was odd because his initials are SMB. On our date, I questioned him about his name. He said it was (M). Still struck me odd knowing his initials. I got an idea and said, heck, I'll Google this man's name. I did find out that the name he goes by is actually his last name. So I Googled the man's name. His name wasn't (B) or (M), but (S).... he'd been arrested and charged with a crime. And he(?) Get this.... Was in the legal field! I got an email from him this morning and replied to him that he lied to me; he knew I didn't tolerate liars.... It's ended.... DAMN! THAT FELT GOOD TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF! A LITTLE AT A TIME! BABY STEPS! IT WAS AWESOME TO KNOW I STOOD UP TO HIM. He doesn't have the power anymore. I do! Laughing [/img]

[square813]

ive done this. but ive been told im picky and that i should bend some of my rules. and i say if it wasnt for idiots i wouldnt be this way

[rosebuttons]

Square - I dont consider you too picky because you have tolerated so much in your last relationship.
It is OK to be picky. set boundaries for yourself. you need to be in control. I wrote a post here on how to be in a healthy relationship. one of the quotes in it is:
"If any man does any of the following you need to just get rid of them. No, if, ands or buts. 1) Cheats on you. 2) Belittles you. 3) Lies to you. 4) Blows you off often. 5) Is abusive in any way. 6) Puts you down. 7) Has a girlfriend/married (I dont care how bad he says it is). Steals your money. 9) Yells at you in public. 10) Never appreciates you. MOVE ON."
These are the things I just dont tolerate. We must all learn a lesson from every relationship and not take it in the next.
Good post Djonna

[square813]

i learned through life. my hub cheated to prove himself a man to his friends. my exbf cheated cause im the type of women hes afraid of ( whatever that means ).my 3rd relationship no comment. so men this is why i wont lower my standards. so yes you should most definetly have standards because when the new wears off what is left?

[Djonna]

The new wears off only if you let it. It's up to you to love each other to "want" to keep the spice in your life; to take and make the time. Men! They always have a reason, which seems absolutely reasonable to them. That's why? lol.... Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus? lol.... couldn't resist that.

[square813]

lol yeah i walked into that one. even thou hub cheated i still stayed with him. i know he did it omly once. and you ask how do i know this because i got him drunk waited til he passed out and taped a certain area on him told him next time he'll wake up without it. very harsh i know but he never did it again. needless to say that was when i was very young and didnt have control of my temper. im irish cant help it.

[Erica2008]

Djonna, that was a great post. I just wanted to say that much of this rings true for me also. You have a great writing style.

Thank you!

[courtneyiscool]

Keep it coming! Oh and Happy Good Friday! ;0)

[clb76sweetness]

I agree with square. I have told my standards are too high. My family tells me I should meet a guy that doesn't have any kids. But I find that almost impossible to find because I am 31. I figured if he has kids, was he married? If he married her, I don't think that's lowering my standards. I figured I could meet a guy without kids and he would be a jerk. I would like to think of myself as being open minded, but my family says no. Another thing, he must have a degree in something. I have a PhD. But with the way things are, a lot of college grads are working right along side high school grads. I always think that certain people have positions and don't deserve them. Again I think I'm open minded, but people tell me I am lowering my standards. And he must make as much money as I do, but what if he doesn't? I always feel that you must get to know a guy first. He respects that. Don't call him after the first date. Ask as much as possible. He will appreciate that.

[starsparkel]

Are you sure your in your 40's??? HOOOOOOray for you.....you kicked a criminal out of your life for lying to you......woooooopie!!!!! SISTER.....set some higher expectations for yourself....and on a first date.....HAVE FUN....no dude wants to hear about your "rules" besides....why not keep it to yourself?? You might want to do that in the future.....you sound like you could use all the help you can get(sorry sister.....sad but true)