My BF and his ex are good friends....is this normal?

agjune · Joined: 22 Jul 2008 Posts: 3

Ok ladies, I'm sure some of us have been here before.
I'd like to reiterate that I am an independent, secure woman. Most times this situation has not bothered me in past relationships. I had no issues with exes calling or coming around once in a long while.

My current situation is that my boyfriend is close friends with his ex. They broke up over 3 years ago. She cheated on him, and to this day, he knows he can never trust or be with her b/c of her betrayal. He says they can always be friends but he could never go back. Even 3 years ago when she wanted to try to work it out. He just couldn’t ever see her same or trust her. They both have moved on since then and dated others.

Back then he got himself into a bad situation and all his buddies moved out of town before the break up. After he broke it off with her, he still had to live with her for about 10 months to finally get his life together and save enough money to move out. It was a hard pill for him to swallow, but he said at least she wasn’t a bitch and didn’t kick him out like she could have. So in his mind, she is a saint for being there when no one else was and when he was down and out on his luck.

She is 3rd on his myspace. Calls and even texts every couple of weeks. The other day she asked him to pick her up at the airport when the person who was to come get her left her stranded. He was working and didn’t go. While I truly know nothing is going on b/c he’s the kind of guy that would just out and out tell me “I no longer want to be with you I want to be with so & so”. For some reason this friendship really bugs me. Not to mention we live in a small city (where he is from& has grown up) we run into girls he has dated occasionally. That part doesn’t bug me. I can handle that.

The other day we were at a restaurant, apparently a place where he and his friends including her used to go to. And we found the recipe of a dish he liked. After finding out where to buy it outside of the restaurant, he said “ill have to call (ex gf name here) and tell her about it-she loved this dish”. It made me feel like shit to say the least. This guy is really great. Smart, very intelligent (which I find extremely sexy), has a decent job/future.

But part of me can’t help but think, hey wait a minute, this isn’t just about my insecurities(the spin he likes to put on me), this is also about him not letting go of his past and not ready to move forward with you.

I don’t have a clue of the right thing to do, b/c frankly I’m not sure I can handle this “friendship”.
I am open to the idea that I may be insecure this particular time, but part of also thinks he should move on. I mean does he plan on invited her to our wedding someday? To me that’s just weird. I keep thinking, geez, it’s time to let go and move on.
I’d love to eventually marry this guy one day, but if I can’t get past this, I don’t think it’s a good idea to move on at all .
I know he loves me and has proved time and time again that he would bend over backwards for me. We’ve gone through tough times and have seen it through, not sure about this though.

What do you ladies think?

courtneyiscool · Joined: 26 Mar 2007 Posts: 229

about her loving the dish is just bull***. Why is he thinking about her? I think if there's nothing going on now, it's just a matter of time before you find out they're seeing each other. It sounds like she's also very sneaky. She knows he's got a girlfriend, but wants him to pick her up at the airport. What the hell is that? It sounds to me like she wants him back.

I would be very suspicious if I were you. There may be nothing physical going on, but all the ingredients are there for both of them to cheat, especially with her being on his mind at the restaurant and God's knows when else he thinks about her.

I feel for you. You must have felt like total crap after he made that comment in the restaurant. Any girl would.

It's a bad situation for you to be in, but at least you're not married to the guy yet. What I would do is tell him how it makes you feel.

My boyfriend and I are not friends with any of our exes. We both decided we didn't want the drama that brings and we've both got enough friends, we don't need to be friends with people we used to date. It just leads to unneeded drama. Good luck, girl!

agjune · Joined: 22 Jul 2008 Posts: 3

SO other than 1 person most of you think its pretty normal then?
I do want to be fair but not nieve.

agjune · Joined: 22 Jul 2008 Posts: 3

typo *naive*

theonlyoneleft · Joined: 04 Jun 2008 Posts: 4

i don't think your bf should have anything to do with her anymore esp b//c he's with you now. I def. think having her in his life will ruin your relationship with him. My bf just broke up with me and the reason why we argued so much was b/c of his ex gf that he still remained friends with. They were not close but they were kept in touch once in a while and it bothered me a lot, which led to numerous arguments/fights.
My friend told me that after two people break up, they shouldn't be friends unless there's still feelings there, which I agree.
so i think you should talk to him..

NativeMoon · Joined: 02 Jan 2007 Posts: 4

I was just talking about this same type of thing with a friend of mine recently.

Some exes you can remain friends with because the relationship wasnt that strong to begin with. You arent really going to talk or see each other much so they are more like an acquaintance than a friend.

Now other exes - if the feelings were that strong and powerful its impossible to just be friends.

I would co-sign on what Courtney wrote - exes can be more trouble than they are worth. Your bf does need to know how he made you feel - that thing about the dish was way out of line.

OK so she was there and helped him from being homelessness. But shes taking advantage of that and hes using that as an excuse to not cut the ties. If you do something to help someone out then no strings - both of them should be able to walk away fron each other. Hes thinking about her at times that are nowhere near appropriate and shes showing that she's sneaky. I agree with Courtney - all the ingredients are there for cheating.

And its too easy for guys to pull the old "youre just being insecure" - no we are just following a hunch that says this isnt right and we dont want to have to put up with it.

Good luck to you, but long term ask yourself just how much are you willing to put up with for the sake of this guy....

jade20071 · Joined: 24 Jul 2007 Posts: 3

It just irks me for a boyfriend to be friends with an ex. I just broke up with a guy because of stuff like this. He KIT with all of his exes and would tell me there is nothing going on but I fianlly found out that he was cheating with me on this girl who he told me was his ex but now his friend, arggh!