My wife keeps pushing me towards other women

[catscalw]

My wife and I don't have an active sexual relationship...maybe once or twice a year. She has some serious emotional and body issues that I've posted about, here, and yes Guys she IS worth it....and no ladies I have NEVER cheated.

She keeps pushing me towards other women, and even has suggested that I go have a session with a professional in the industry. I've posted all up and down this board about my feelings about infidelity, lambasted all the guys who are lying, cheating dogs, and given support to the ladies who are struggling with all the hurt and pain that a betrayal of trust causes. It's always so clear to me, and then here is the love of my life. lovingly encouraging me to go outside the marriage for sex.

I don't know how to feel about this. I'm mostly afraid that, since our sexuality is so fragile anyway, that this might be virus that infects our intimacy, and that she won't respect or trust me ever again. It really feels like a test, and I have a lot of anger around my sexuality becoming a plaything in the relationship. This has all been talked through with a therapist, and it still doesn't feel quite right.

What do you all think? Go for it? or too dangerous to our intimacy...

(the "Go for it" part presupposes that there would actually be a lady who WAS interested, and who accepted this arrangement...another whole chapter)

[Guitarista]

Catsclaw,

You have said it already...you feel angry about your sexuality becoming a plaything in the relationship.

I can't say that I blame you. God knows, it has happened to me....I married young and between all the issues of money, in-laws and sex, the marriage was doomed from the beginning. How could I love a husband who wanted me to take birth control pills when they made me so deathly ill? Or who felt too inconvenienced by my using a diaprhragm instead? So I have a stroke or get cancer...oh well, them's the breaks. I had to ask, what's love got to do with it?

One thing I can tell you with utter certainty is that you must NOT ever blindly trust a therapist just because of his/her credentials. There are many therapists who went into the profession for reasons that are all wrong, and they are far crazier than either you or I.

I am at a total loss to understand why your wife would push you toward other women. A total loss. But perhaps that is some bias on my part...I tend to be a one-man woman and never have I been able to see any appeal in anything other than monogamy.

Perhaps it IS a test. Or, perhaps she sees it as a way of keeping you around even though she has no interest in sex for some reason or other. Maybe she feels, "Well, if I just say yes to it, he can take care of that need and still stay with me". If that is how she feels, it's absurd because you do not seem like the type of man who would be happy with casual sex with multiple partners...where you know you must not and cannot get too emotionally involved. We can always tell ourselves it's "casual" and think that we can decide in advance what we will feel. Of course, that is not the way it works.

But one thing...

There is, in reality, nothing much you can do about your wife's emotional problems if she is in some state of denial where she cannot face them herself. If you try, you will fail, and become more hurt and frustrated than you are now.

So, the place to focus is inside yourself.

Ask the hard questions, like, why am I with her? What is keeping me here, and what makes this worth it? What am I getting out of it?

And am I willing to sacrifice intimacy for the sake of this marriage? And if so, why?

Any decision you make could be a valid decision. There isn't a good or bad decision.

But you must trust yourself to be able to make it, yet have a heart that is open enough to see why.

Dialogue is important...the talk between the two of you. Sometimes it is better if a therapist does not interfere. If you do see a therapist, he/she should not be giving you advice. Their job is to help YOU see what is going on, not tell you what THEY think is going on. Giving you advice or suggestions about what to do is unprofessional and also can be downright dangerous.

Simple, direct questions work best...ask your wife, "What do you want from me?" Let her ask you the same. Put aside any agenda and just look for the answers, as much as you can, without judgment.

Try to keep your mind quiet. Pay attention to your feelings. When they're painful, this is not easy to do, but it is worth it, because they can lead you to the answers you seek.

And when the feelings seem overwhelming, don't withdraw.

Strong feelings are gifts that lead you to the truth of any situation.

I hope this helps.

[Guitarista]

OOps I probably should not have responded, Catsclaw.

I am not a guy. But was just trying to help.

I have technical snafus on my profile so can't erase.

Sorry. At any rate I hope my words may have helped in some way.

[graverobber]

Some people, for whatever reason, need to be wronged against. In a way you could call them social sadomasochists. It may be the case she wants you to be with another woman so she can have the moral high ground, chastise you for it, etc. I can definitely imagine the incidence of 'social sadomasochism' increasing in the mentally ill. From what you've posted it sounds like a terrible idea to go and be with someone else