Online cheating? Unsure.

silly_kitkat · Joined: 13 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

I very recently found my boyfriend of 7 months has been going online on various forums and websites, posting inappropriate pictures of himself, meeting girls and adding them to a separate (and I should add "secret") MSN account and talking dirty and camming with them.

This is not the first instance of something that has given me cause to doubt what I thought was a very strong and loving relationship. A month ago I found videos of my boyfriend masturbating that he had taken on his webcam. I asked him about it and after initially lying about them, came clean about making them while he was with me but claimed they were to satisfy his own curiosity and that no one else had seen them. I told him that I do not appreciate being lied too, and made him promise me there was nothing else going on. He swore to me there wasn't. A month later I find out about all this other stuff online. Again, I asked him about it and to begin with he lied again (obviously learning nothing from what happened last month).

Again, he eventually admitted it. But says that it is just chat, nothing more, and swears to me he has never met anyone online for sex, or done anything more than chat and cam while he has been with me. He says he couldn't help going online when he was alone and that it became like an addiction.

I have not ended the relationship, but am wondering what sort of future we can have together now. I can't help feeling like I have been cheated on and am still really upset and unsure what to do. We were supposed to be moving in together in just over a month. To reassure me my boyfriend has destroyed his webcam, uninstalled MSN and all chat programs from his computer and erased his email account and memberships to the various websites, but I'm still unsure as to whether that will be enough to curb his "addiction".

Any advice would be appreciated.

JohnJSmith · Joined: 26 Apr 2009 Posts: 5

Is it cheating?
To me it is lying if you wouldn't do it, or say it, in front of your mate. Cheating is a logical extension of lying, basically having any kind of unapproved intimate relationship with a third party.

We can say for sure this is "lying" and if he has in fact been talking dirty to other women then we can also say "cheating" is fair too. This happens to be online instead of in-person but that doesn't change anything.

You might want to put the living together on hold for a bit. Clearly the dude has emotional (or sexual) needs and is lying about it to cover up. He needs to give you real answers or a relationship is just entirely out of the question.

If you are unable to get real answers then something like this never really goes away and will be back eventually.

PS - Even if this is "cheating" you might want to avoid that word when discussing it, or else just make him even more defensive about his online activities which he no doubts justifies to himself as "not cheating."

cecily74 · Joined: 03 Sep 2009 Posts: 1

oh yes it is very much cheating! Men that do this, I really believe they have problems.

courtneyiscool · Joined: 26 Mar 2007 Posts: 229

a poll. It's clear this guy is cheating! Also, I think if he's done it once, he'll do it again. He may not be physically cheating, but he is definitely cheating on you with another woman, he's just doing it online.

AskAverageGuy · Joined: 12 Sep 2009 Posts: 19

this guy for 7 months. Like a typical guy, he probably didn't know he wasn't supposed to be watching the same stuff he did when he was single now that he's got a girlfriend. And in a guy's mind, 7 months isn't long at all.

You should have a conversation with this guy and set the ground rules. It doesn't have to be an accusatory thing where you attack him. Just talk about it and let him know how much it bothers you. With guys, once you tell them something explicitly that's when they're going to get it.

If you guys never had a conversation about this topic in your relationship, then cut him some slack this time. Tell him about it and let him know he has to stop so that he can continue dating you. If after that, he does it again, you have all right to be mad as hell. At that point, it's your choice whether you want to be with him or not.