Should I have sex with this guy?

[jeanne89]

So heres the story.

I'm 20 and a virgin... not really on purpose (not for any sort of moral reason, I just never really wanted to.I'm not socially awkward. i've had plenty of opportunities.)

But anyway, I'm been talking to this guy I met online since I was 17. he's 31 now. We im, talk on the phone, and text daily. We get along perfectly, I love him. I'm sure enough to say I'm in love with him. I've put off meeting him for awhile (I live on the east coast, he lives on the west) and he's offered to come see me. I'm in college now, I have my own place, and I have the perfect opportunity.

We've had phone sex, and we've talked about actually having sex. I've told him I want to.

Is this a bad decision? Am I setting myself up for disappointment and heartbreak? Am I over-thinking this?

I'm paranoid of being used for sex.

[raven_lady]

You are well right to worry about being wanted for sex. Many guys are only interested in a conquest, a plaything, but I would say your situation - watch out. People can say 'love knows no bounds' and phrases to that effect but I am highly suspicious of what, and why, a 31 year old man would be after someone so young (although you don't say how old you are now?).

Still, despite that, it's not a good idea to get involved with someone you met online unless and until you've actually met and known him in person for awhile. People can put on a persona online/over the phone/in texts, it's much easier to keep their 'real life' if they have one and are hiding it (wife/gf/children) away from you. I'd take my time and check this guy out as best I could if I were you, since you say you feel you're in love with him the stakes are higher. If you were just looking for a fling then it might be different (although even then hearts still get broken as women are less able to keep sex strictly sex). Just be careful and take your time, I speak from experience, the emotional aftermath of being just a conquest when you had real feelings for a man is devastating.

[raven_lady]

Oh sorry, you did say how old (or rather, young) you are. Don't know how I missed that.

[jeanne89]

I know it seems like an awful idea.. (actually, even as i typed it out I was thinking about how stupid and clueless this seems on paper).
I know I could have built him up. This could be sheer curiosity, like a loose end I can't leave untied.

[raven_lady]

He's got you emotionally hooked, he's grown on you - and of course it's hard for sex not to follow when that happens. If you feel you 'must' go through with having sex with this guy but want to try to make sure of him as much as possible, as I said before check him out and know him some in person. If you can't wait, although I hope things turn out well but in case it may not, better steel yourself emotionally.

[jeanne89]

I honestly don't expect a relationship to come out of this. I just can't see it happening (thanks to obvious issues with that..)

As for him being what he says he is..
I have little doubt that hes true to his word. i've never caught him in a lie.. I used to think he could be bullshit, but i've seen enough to believe him. ( i could explain all that, but it would take me awhile)

In the time we've known each other, we have never seriously talked about dating just each other. we've always seen other people, and his case, he's slept with other women and he tells me about it. I'm not too bothered by it, hes not my boyfriend so i feel like i have no right to be.

I guess what I'm mostly scared of is feeling attached afterwards. I want to go through with it, but i'm not sure what i'll feel afterwards.

[raven_lady]

So apparently he's being straight with you and it would be a friend with benefits sort of deal but you said you love him and are in love with him, despite what you tell yourself about not wanting a relationship with him you are most likely going to want/hope for one. I think you almost most certainly will become (more) attached. Pretty much the women who don't become bonded are women who have toughened up or deadened their emotions and are able in that way to leave their feelings at the bedroom door.

[jeanne89]

It's not that I don't want a relationship, its that I don't think its really possible to have such a long distance relationship.

I guess my logic is something along the lines of this.. Well, I wanna have sex, I don't want to be a virgin forever, I'm really into him, I may only see him once but I want my first to be someone I love. It probably won't work out, but there is a small chance. I'm at the mercy of my emotions. it's making me unreasonable.

Its so risky, I feel like I'm playing with fire. I've never been much of a risk taker or one to make stupid decisions (and I think of this decision as a stupid one) but the urge to do this is too much.

[raven_lady]

I can understand your not wanting to wait any longer to lose your virginity especially since you feel this is the 'right' guy even though he may not be 'the one'. Sometimes decisions in life mean having to make what you feel is the right one at the time. Well, you've seem to realize what you are going into - that this in all likelihood will not lead to a relationship, that the guy is not leading you on and giving you any false promises, so you just have to take it as it is, just enjoy yourself and not have any expectations if/when it does happen.

However just keep this in mind - don't think because you live so far apart that will somehow make you safe from wanting anything more. I've had sex/been involved with men who lived across the Atlantic and found myself pining desperately for them. I think for some guys that's a great situation - not saying this is your guy but for a lot of them they get to have sex with you but since there's so much distance and time and money that would be involved it's not as easy for the woman to continue it. He can just drop her/ignore her.