What to do? Advice Appreciated!

[always_single]

I need some advice. I'll give you a little background first....sadly, here is the short version! I was in a relationship w/a man for about a year. The relationship was pretty rocky, and though we had great sex and some sweet moments, I'm not sure as though either of us were excessively happy. Never the less, I had fallen in love w/him, and he claimed to have loved me too. However, I never fully trusted him, and he was extremely loyal to his ex-girlfriend, always making her his first priority. He later told me that she believed that he and her will still together, and because she was incarcerated at the time, he didn't feel that it was a good time to tell her that he didn't want to be with her. Around this time, I had also started hearing rumors that he had a wife in another state that he had married so she could stay in this country. He and I were on-again, off-again at this time, and the rumors really made me pull out of the situation emotionally. However, he and I were colleagues, so I was still forced to see him every day. One summer day, he came into work and decided that he was going to quit his job. I figured I probably would never see him again, so the appropriate thing to do would be to end things on a civil note. He was very nasty to me, so I tried again later that night and spoke from my heart, and he responded. Unfortunately, I made the poor choice of sleeping w/him that night. When I returned to work the following day, I had heard rumors that his ex was out of jail. He admitted that she was, and that we would discuss it later. I had heard from him a few more times that week, but we never discussed anything. By the end of the week, I was frustrated and growing impatient and had an attitude. He called me the next day, but I couldn’t answer the phone. Shortly after, I received a text from him saying that he was leaving that weekend (moving out of state). At that point, things got really nasty between the two of us, and I never saw him before he left. In the weeks to come, he would text or call me. He alternated between nice and nasty towards me, and was spreading rumors about me at work. I asked him not to contact me anymore, and three or four weeks went by w/o any word from him. He found me online last month and told me that he was in town for a few days and wanted to see me. He gave me this story about how he was going to be peaceful and wanted to talk about things and we could be friends. I said I wasn’t ready to see him, which he didn’t understand. I changed my phone number shortly after so he couldn't contact me again. There is a part of my heart that still feels for him, yet logic obviously tells me that he's manipulative and f*cked up in the head. With that said, there's a part of me that never wants to see him again. There's also a part of me though that wants that opportunity to say goodbye in person. I don’t want answers or explanations from him; I want the opportunity to tell him to his face that he's a p.o.s. However, what if I’m wrong and it doesn’t give me the closure I need? What if seeing him again makes me feel worse? He will be in town again. Do I contact him and get my closure, or leave it alone?

[vbrown1004]

He has clearly defined what he thinks and feels about you. Why is it you need to torture yourself with communication with someone who thinks so little of you?

He doesn't know how to be honest.

My suspicion is that you miss the sexual connection that you had with him.

Let sleeping dogs lie. Better yet go to the rescue and adopt a dog. At least you know where that dog came from.

[Guitarista]

I had a similar experience where there was a lack of closure.

My advice to you is the same as the person above who wrote...leave this guy alone.

I doubt it would help you to tell him he is a p.o.s. In my experience, this type of person will always find a way to turn it around and put the blame on you, and take no responsibility.

But you know, deep inside, that he is irresponsible and that he thinks he has the power to dictate to you how you should feel...i.e., "Let's just be friends"....after a sexual or romantic relationship...no doubt he feels that lets him off the hook, and to hell with YOUR feelings.

This guy is definitely NOT your friend. Friends don't treat one another that disrespectfully for their own convenience.

This man is worth neither your time nor your energy. A part of you will want to go back and tell him off for a long time to come. Certainly, you are hurt and angry.

But with time, that part of you will fade away. After awhile you will no longer care and you will feel glad that it ended.

Sex is nice, but it is not love. And without love, it is just a possibly addicting pleasurable physical activity, and maybe food for a faltering ego.

But if it is without love, you'd be better off either masturbating, getting a dog, or just having a vodka and tonic, because your partner is then in a position to use this very powerful tool to manipulate you and keep you a prisoner of your feelings.

Do not give someone else that power. You have a choice, and you can choose love.

[always_single]

Thank you so much, both of you, for your sound advice and show of compassion! It's difficult, because I was basically left to pick up the pieces, and I still have to go into work every day and function amongst some people who hate me now for no reason other than the lies and rumors he spread, so it feels like a never-ending saga sometimes. However, I know you're both right in the advice you've given. I made the choice to cut off all contact with him, and that is a decision that's in my best interest to continue committing to. As the saying goes, time will heal my wounds....I just wish sometimes that time had a fast-forward button! Thanks, again!

[Guitarista]

Yeah, it's even more difficult when you have to go and work with people who might believe him. But over time, if your co-workers have a brain in their heads, they'll see what kind of bull he is feeding them.

Anyway, who cares. You can't always go by what other people think of you. Sure, your reputation is important, but you are already doing all you can to make yours a good one just by staying away from this guy who has treated you like you are an appetizer for a real steak dinner where his ex is supposedly the steak. Some guys don't even need another real woman...they just have some "ideal" in their minds that is their agenda and they use that instead.

Unfortunately, there will always be folks in this world who know the weaknesses of others and will use them to their own advantage. We all want to be loved, and some guys will dangle that love in front of you like a carrot and just wait for you to do whatever they want, including letting them two-time you. It's almost like a game to them, like, "Let's see who will go the farthest and take the most crap, just for me!"

But you can never win in that situation. A guy has to treat you right from the first, and he has to understand that your feelings are important too, just as important as his. Find a guy who's willing to do that, instead. This guy will be a secure guy who knows his own value. He won't always need you and/or some other woman to keep making him feel like he's worth something.