Will he ever marry me?

godiva33 · Joined: 19 Aug 2008 Posts: 2

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years already, 3 living together. HE was doing his phd and whenever I brought the subject of marriage to the conversation he always said that he first had to finish his phd and then we would talk about it. Now it's been 3 months after he had his exam and we havent talked about marriage anymore. He is in the transition from being a student to finding a job, which keeps him very anxious and a bit depressed. I am trying to support him on this transition but somethimes I find myself wandering if I should be patient and don't tell anything or if I have the right to know what he's thinking, or if we should remain unmarried. I think we both love each other, but then again, I don't know where we are going. He is 38 and I am 33. Thanks for all the wisdom you can share with me!!

chris artist · Joined: 20 Dec 2007 Posts: 20

These may not be the words you want to hear but why is it important to be married?
Presuming you are living together and have been together this long, what does this contract mean for you? If it is for financial security or because you want to have children? There are many other, much better ways, to create a binding agreement for these 2 issues as well as myriad others. In fact, depending on the lawyer, these agreements can be far superior to anything a marriage contract (MC) will provide. Take a look at the most recent statistics and you will see that marriage has been steadily declining amongst the 20-40 year age groups, while "living together" and "couple" contracts are on the rise.

Marriage just isn't what it used to be. Ask yourself if you really care about this person and want to spend the rest of your life with them with or without the MC. If the answer is yes then find a good lawyer to create a "couples" contract that way if you helped finance that PHd or anything else you are also being "paid back" equitably. If your amor balks at the contract then you may have to be asking yourself some other questions.

Basically, you are asking for security in one way or the other and if he balks thinking his word is good enough ask him how he would feel if they just told him he had a PHd and wouldn't send him a copy of his credentials. He would just have to accept his degree on faith! If he loves you and wants to stay with you he should put up or shut up. So shut him up or ship him out. Time is awastin'!

godiva33 · Joined: 19 Aug 2008 Posts: 2

Dear Christ-artist:
Thank you very much for your words. What you say is absolutely sensible and gives me light. Anyway I will give here a little bit of background to try to explain why marriage is somewhat important to me.

a) I come from a presbiterian family, which means they don't accept free union. My mother, who is really kind and nice, had a hard time accepting me moving with my boyfriend, and kept telling me that he was not respecting me or loving me enough. Now she realizes that he is nice and loves him very much. BUT would not let anybody else in the family or among friends of hers find out that I am living with him, so I cannot tell them anything abut my life. I don't mind, but they do try to make me feel like I am worthless for not having a husband at my age. I don't mind that either, but still it's aukward somethimes.
b) We live in Mexico. I am mexican but he is european. My boyfriend and I decided to get together because we think life is beautiful and we are very happy together. But he knows that sometimes people treat me as a cheap woman because we are not married. I used to be very upset because of this, but now I don't care anymore about what people say. Nevertheless, there are other difficult situations, ie. The other day I had to go to the hospital and they said a relative of mine had to be there. There he was, but since he is not my husband, we had to call my mother. ie.2: He's having a hard time with the emigration laws. everything would be easier if we were married, but...
c) in Mexico there are not couple agreements, so either it is marriage or it is nothing.

Having said all this, I still think your considerations are right. Love is the real bond between two people and not a contract.

Thank you again!

Orion23 · Joined: 11 Apr 2008 Posts: 28

courtneyiscool · Joined: 26 Mar 2007 Posts: 221

in life and that includes being with a guy who's right for you! Let us know how it goes....

Rae615 · Joined: 24 Feb 2009 Posts: 4

courtneyiscool · Joined: 26 Mar 2007 Posts: 221

you can do now is back off the marriage question for another few months. Once he finds a job and settles into it, there's going to be no excuse for you guys not to get married. It's been 7 years already! I would wait until he finds a job. If he's still not talking marriage, I think it would be time to reevaluate your relationship with him. At 33, you're still young enough to start again! Good luck, honey! Smile

metaldiva · Joined: 30 Oct 2007 Posts: 2

It's obvious that you love this person and have patience. You probably contributed to the household, given that he was in the process of giving his dissertation and most students, even post grad, struggle in school. You are committed to this man, totally so...
Why are you delegating the decisions about your happiness to him?
You do understand that you have free will and only YOU can assure your own happiness don't you?
Why would you put so much leverage in his hands?
Is it parental pressure to get married?
Do you or do your affiliations define who you are?
Did you consider you may be "in love" with the struggle and not the man?
Do you believe that your love together can withstand any hardship?
How many other decisions do you defer to him?
Are you afraid of embarassment if you dont marry?
Are you convinced that you cannot live without him?
How supportive is he of your endeavors or wishes?
OKAY THEN
You should never delegate your happiness to anyone outside of your skin.
You alone will have to deal with any of the consequences of your actions.
You alone must dedicate your decisions that will enhace your life, if which you only have ONE and my sister, it goes by quick!
Your parents and friends will not be responsible for picking up the pieces of your marriage should it fail, so why give them the leverage to decide for you?
You gotta make up your mind to live for yourself and begin to assert yourself NOW, while you are together. Move in the direction that your earlier agreement is intact and go forward. Get the bridal books, the stationer sample book, and the like and get going..and be happy about it! Sometimes men wait for you to start what they already know they have to, especially if it is begrudgingly...Remember, he has been in "NO" mode for several years, and the "YES" may be there but its hard to switch directions after so long. BUTTTTT..If he puts the stops on your plans, you'll have to make a decision whether or not to DENY YOURSELF of something that you feel so strongly is necessary for your happiness. You may need to leave to prove a point.. sometimes leaving makes the decion easier.. He just may not want to go further regardless..Now... did ya notice that I didn't say "he'll deny you"? There are plenty of loving, successful men just waiting to make you their wife and partner with you to make a family and home. I know "but I want him".. you cant make anyone commit to you further than they want to.
Personally, I want you to be happy and anything I ask or tell you is a complete result of being in similar situations. I had to make up my mind that I needed to be as pragmatic in my personal life as I have been in my professional life..
Good luck no matter what..I am crossing my fingers for you.. If you are strong and that bond is strong with him, it can surpass all this. If not now, then it never will..
PS dont get pregnant, you'll regret it.. I didn't but know of too many friends and family that did to their disappointment.

metaldiva · Joined: 30 Oct 2007 Posts: 2

So I really want you to do the right thing..I hope he is not married already or has someone else... Regardless you should be respected and listened to and make a responsible decision about this man that would allow you to be the subject of family scorn..think mija!

raven_lady · Joined: 03 Apr 2009 Posts: 53

This is probably not what you want to hear but I have to agree with Rae that this guy is very doesn't want to get married to you and hopes that you will just drop it and just go on the way things are. Unless you are keen on a big expensive wedding a couple can get married right away in a simple ceremony. Even then the 'big expensive wedding' thing is a lot of times an excuse for one or both of the persons - they don't want to get married but it's an excuse for the badgering from friends and family, or if one doesn't want to get married and the other does, for the one who doesn't it's an excuse to put it off as long as they can and for the one who does want marriage, it's a way to be in denial and/or save face.

Men will usually move mountains to be with a woman when they're convinced she's the one for them and thus they have no interest in keeping their options open. Guys come up with every excuse in the book why they can't/don't want to get married and women, because they've invested time in the guy, they love him, and don't want to face the likely truth that he's not interested in marriage to her, go along with it.

You've been with this guy long enough for him not to be indecisive about his decision at all. I think he will go on indefinitely like this if he can. The fact that he's unsure is likely translation for = I don't want to get married to you but I can't man up telling you because you will get mad, may leave me, and so on.

chemistryfox · Joined: 12 Jun 2009 Posts: 6

Well...I haven't been in the same situation, but I did try for a higher degree in grad school and is very aware of what he is going through. Getting a PhD is a very stressful (and sometimes expensive) process. I have many friends who are doing the same thing. Some of them are married or will get married soon, and some don't even think about the word (these are girls too). Even though you have invested so much time, I would wait it out a few more months and see if he's ready to marry.

courtneyiscool · Joined: 26 Mar 2007 Posts: 221

to wait it out for him as he goes through grad school? I hope everything is going well.

xAboutTimex · Joined: 22 Aug 2009 Posts: 1

I had been with my boyfriend since we were barely 16, now the both of us are 24. In the beginning I wanted marriage and children...I felt like I needed it. The first few months we were seeing each other, not taking on any titles, it bugged me, but I kept with it because I love him. After years of ups and downs, a big thing happened in my life where it almost cost my relationship with him. Prior to this, we weren't even speaking of marriage at all. A few weeks after I had come back and smartened up, he told me he wanted to marry and so we did. Neither one of us needed to, because the love we shared prior to the marriage is the same now. We kept it simple, just him and I and our JOP, no rings, no dress or tux, just us and our love for each other. My advice to you is that if you love this man, and he loves you, thats all you need. "Love is all you need" , I am a firm believer in that. But give him some time and I am sure he will come around to actually like the idea. Good luck with everything hun. Best wishes to you![/i]

courtneyiscool · Joined: 26 Mar 2007 Posts: 221

for him?